Saturday, October 05, 2013


Requested by a dear anonymous on to do up this entry through a vlog, but I've decided to have it as a written post instead. This would be ideal for I could think through what I truly want to say and also to ensure coherency. This entry is inspired by an article found by the anon on Thought Catalog:  Go ahead and read her version before reading mine, that would help you understand what this is all about :-)

Some of you may not actually understand the entire post for some parts, I think, only meant for my own comprehension but if you ever finish reading this entire entry word for word, I gratefully thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Thought Catalog (TC) author thinks her ugliest would be after her post-breakup, whereas mine is actually the exact opposite: Pre Break-up. Yes, post-breakup is definitely horrible but I think post break-up involves a lot more of the outer ugly than inner ugly. Similar to inner and outer beauty, ugly too has its own differences. And, I perceive this question as the moment when I'm the ugliest 'internally', for I think it's pretty easy to be ugly externally. Right?

It's known that people who go all out to maliciously hurt someone have an ugly heart. But think about it, he/she may be ugly for hurting someone else, I think it's actually uglier if you try to hurt yourself. You may have a different thought on this, but just hear me out. Why so? The person who hurts someone else probably does it out of jealousy and the fact that it's jealousy spurring on the devious act, it shows that it's all for his/her own benefits/success. That's still a form of self-love.

If someone 'evil' could be doing something for their own good, they aren't actually entirely ugly for they're sane enough to still love themselves. They're confident in what they're doing. On the other hand, someone who's hurting and doubting themselves, who fails to see their value and self-worth, has just landed themselves in the ugliest state ever. I was there so I know what it's like. Ugly's understatement.

The graph above depicts how I generally feel towards the entire breaking up process. I was the ugliest in the period indicated in yellow above. My ugly looks like... a lot of paranoia, uncertainty, hostility, self-doubts, short-temper, impatience and whatnots. 

I think many wouldn't disagree that the easiest way to kill the person you love is to cheat. And, I was brutally murdered. To the mature people out there, who'd been through the same torment, you'd understand the anxiety stored inside or how it felt when your partner's phone lit up with notifications. Just in such scenario, a volcano would have erupted in your head simply from thinking and over-thinking who could it be from, why, what, how, etc. It's a never-ending suspicion ever since. I've never been so desperate, trying to fix something when what's broken was actually me. 

It depends on the extent of anger and who's involved. If I was angered by someone doing something unjustifiable to my friend, I'd retaliate with no doubt. If I was upset for my own stupid mistake or others, I'd then be alright and just rant about it like a little girl whose eraser got stolen in class.

I don't think I treat everyone equally for I do love some people more than others. That's pretty normal right? We can never love everyone equally. Only the mighty Jesus can. I would though, try to care for all, even strangers, unless they choose to prove me otherwise.

I behave just like any other human beings. I fart. 

"We accept the love we think we deserve"
The only way we could think that we deserve more than we should, is by starting to love ourselves. And maybe, from there we would know who's worthy enough for us and not settle for anything less. I'm still learning. My friends always think I deserve better. Is it right to be selfish to be with someone who's rightfully compatible orrrrr.... is it wrong to be generous enough to love someone who's undeserving of love? Hmmmm. The world's full of contradiction.

Back to the question, I am actually ashamed to say I tend to fall for people who happen to be broken and ugly like what I've mentioned in question #1. The reason: for I've been broken and somehow, I just feel the need to be there and want them to know that they're not alone. But I've also learnt, sometimes no point saving sunken ships, we'd only end up drowning ourselves.

I am definitely open to admitting my own mistake if I see how it's/I'm wrong. Otherwise, it's hard. But I'm pretty objective; I see things from different perspectives, so I get it when I'm in the wrong and I'll apologize if I have to. However, till today, I find it hardest to apologize to my own family members. Weird.

I don't get mad mad often but when I do, I lose my temper fast. Heads up, it's pretty scary.

I go all out.... the sentence used to end there, but after learning so much in life about people who take advantage etc., the sentence now continues with... only to deserving people. When I say I go all out, I go all out. Be my friend, and you'll know. Unless I've doubted your sincerity else, you'd be one of the priorities.

Favourite songs I listen to a lot of different genres ranging from pop to r&b to indie to alternatives etc. So it's unfair to pick favourites when the favourites are so different to be compared. Nonetheless, here are my most played on iTunes which may not be accurate representation of my favourites (because sometimes the song goes on repeat and I fall asleep): Down by the Water by Drums, High Hopes by Kodaline, Walls by Sultan + Ned Shepard, How Much More by Stars and 30 Minute Love Affair by Paloma Faith

Favourite books & authors I used to read quite a lot, but now that I watch movies more, I've stopped reading. It's bad. I wish to start on The Faults in the Star soon which I hope will be one of my favourite books. But so far, I've liked books by Cathy Glass. She's a foster parent. She takes care of problematic kids and she pens the stories of her encounters which are all very heart-breaking. She draws me into her world with her words and never fail tear me up whenever I imagine the sort of children she meets.

All photos hold significant meanings and cannot be recreated so there're no specific as favourites.

I don't like looking back on what I think I've failed in doing. There are no failures but only rooms for improvement. Failure, is a word so huge, just like hate. I'd never want it in my dictionary. Failure seems be to in-line with regret and naively, I don't wish to have any regrets in life. Then again, a wise man once said, "If you've no regrets in life, it means you haven't lived right." So tell me, which is which?

I'd set up the dream restaurant I've always wanted. I can't elaborate here cause it could be a million-dollar idea and I'm still day-dreaming about it coming true. Otherwise, Imma travel the world; see what's there to see. Cliche but it's true that travelling broadens the mind and nourishes the soul.

Words. Writing. Pictures. Music. Movies. Friends. Family. Happy people. Internet friends. Strangers. Money. Make up. Work. Shopping. Food. Beach. Sea. Waves. What's most important of all: My bed.

Kidding, actually I'm quite easily pleased.
So, bring on whatever nice and positive, I'll be glad.


Btw, I've been drafting this entry for weeks and never could get the mood right till today. I've been so busy but I'm glad that I am. Tomorrow I'll be doing Style Wedding bridal show, I won't reveal the location. See you if I see you. May fate bring us together hehehehe :-)

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