ADJ. ADV.

better, adj. and adv.

Will it get better?

It better.

Will it get better?

It better.

Will it get better?

It better.

METALMOUTH

Yes, guys. It is official.

I had made up my mind from all the previous dilemmas mentioned and decided to go with the braces plan. I am absolutely appreciative towards those who responded to my "LONGRANT" post. Thank you so much for all the advice, support, and guidance. 

You may think your words don't carry much weight and may not be really of help but you have no idea sometimes what you say might be what the person needs the most. So, thank you ☺☺☺

Ok, I think it is only right to fill you guys in on what I've figured regarding the "Braces vs Modeling vs Degree" situation. Well, now that I already have the braces on, modeling is definitely gonna be a problem. So, all my focus and attention will be channeled to my upcoming internship starting from 10 Sept to 8 Feb. Don't get me wrong, it's not because of the braces that I am so determined to do well for internship. This has been decided waaaaaay before I got my braces done. I am gonna give my all. I mean, I'm really scared. I've always been scared about the working life etc. Parents and teachers always scare you about how tough it is gonna be so of course, I'm nervous! Hence, all the more I wanna do well. 

FAQs about braces:

1. How much?

For both the upper and bottom sets, around $3.2k

2. Where?

Emmanuel Dental at Dhoby Ghaut

3. For how long?

1.5 years sigh~~~~

I never knew having braces on would be such a chore and of so much pain. The first few days drove me crazy. I salute and admire those who managed to pull through their braces years because on I contemplated about giving $500 just to have it remove! 

Some of the remarks my friends made, like "Irina for what you put braces?" or "Your teeth ok what!" encouraged me quite a bit to really have it remove. But then again, of course I didn't else, that would be really stupid.

I guess that was just a phase, kinda glad I am over it. My mouth and tongue weren't used to the metal pieces. For the very first time, my tongue felt weird in my mouth! How awkward is that? My tongue got scratched quite badly here and there by the metal pieces and ulcers began to develop over quite a few areas. Ulcers are no joke man! Seriously! 

I've finally moved on from soft diet to semi-soft, and I am couldn't be any more grateful. Else, I'd be having plain porridge everyday! The pain could be so annoying that you wouldn't feel like eating anything. Then again, on the other hand, my friends see this as a very good diet strategy/excuse. 

But guess what? Even though I eat lesser for a meal now, I snack a lot more in between meals. So that makes no difference right? Pretty unhealthy huh!

P.S Brushing teeth used to be such a simple task, and now I abhor it. If you never had braces, you wouldn't understand and that's ok. Count yourself lucky.

TO ADD ON

Mentally married to you, dear.

MENSTRUATING

"I am happy."

If you were to see what an awful state I am in right now, you wouldn't believe my answer.

But really, I am happy. In fact, beyond that.

This time of the month got me bad, real bad.

Never been so emotional before during my menstrual period, and today is exception. 

Any conversations, actions, words, gestures, well... really anything could simply trigger me to break into tears and I have no idea why. I got mad and irritated at myself for the lack of emotion control because I feel awfully disgusted for crying at absolutely nothing!

I hate to cry, not knowing what I am crying about!

"Why are you crying, love?"

I have no fucking idea.

Honestly, the hormones fucked me up quite bad this time. I've never been this bad before, and I don't know what to do or how to react. So those girls in TV aren't actually dramatic, but it's real. And, I actually think being in relationship has a part to play in this. I am not pointing finger to my boyfriend, but listen to this: just any sweet-nothing or cheesy talk Jeremy said could send me to tears right away, even the jokes he cracked! How stupid is that?! 

So are you happy or sad, Irina?! 

I don't even know!!! 

HAHA!

I looked so silly! Tear-stained face, puffy eyes smudged with mascaras, messed up hair in loose ponytail. Joke haha. Never did I expect it to be this bad this month, something new huh.

The cramps was bearable but I really couldn't keep up emotionally.

However, I am so glad that Jeremy took it all so well.

Despite the ugly state I was in, he took no notice (though he laughed at first) and showered me with endless love (later). Not that I am blowing my own trumpet about my boyfriend, but what he did today, really deserve some credits. It was waaaaaay out of ... my expectations. 

Never thought I could meet someone like that.

Someone I would potentially marry.

He was amazingly considerate, patient, meticulous and caring.

He held me close, wiped those tears, hugged tighter and hushed gently till I feel fine.

At that moment, I felt like crying even more. 

The setting was so perfect. I've always thought, 

"Oh, how corny of those love novels/dramas to have time stood still. Utter crap right?"

Well, I take back those words, and gladly admit that I was wrong.

Because then, I secretly wish that time could stand still for me, 

to lie there just a minute longer.

A minute.

I never felt so secure in someone's arms before. 

That was probably the security I've lost from the non-existent paternal presence/love 

and have been looking for eversince. 

With his arms wrapped around me, it's like nothing else really matters.

As I lay on his chest listening to his steady heartbeat, I waited for mine to gradually match his.

And.... 

Oh how, cheesy Irina!!!!

Thank you for reading.

This has been unnecessary, but whatever.

K bye.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE?

I wish the amount of selfless love I had for my Mom then still exists today.
Not that I am not trying, or that we are not okay. We're cool, we're talking and we love each other.
But it is very much different from how it used to be. You know what I mean?
Not only it feels weird trying to bridge/fix something that seems 'okay' at home, as if I am ready to acknowledge this as a problem. Like, I don't love my Mom enough or something.

And yes, maybe I don't. Maybe we all don't.

Guilty?

LONG RANT

I know the only thing that should be on my mind now is my final exam paper, which is on Wednesday but my mind can't help straying. I've been thinking a lot about my bleak future recently. Though I am not much of a planner, I honestly wish I vaguely know or have decided on what I am gonna do. So I could at least, feel secure and safe like, "Yes, I know what I want" and I can work towards it. Having a direction right now at the age of 20, will save a lot of headache for sure.

But since I have absolutely NO IDEA, I found this statement comforts me quite well in this near-miserable state, "Oh, I don't like to plan." or "I take whatever that comes along the way" or "I will only decide when I have to."

Honestly, it's the fear but I can't get pass it. Or rather, myself. Just because I don't know what I want, I conveniently seek comfort in that lie that I am more of a day-by-day kind of person so I don't have to deal with all the decisions. But obviously sweeping them under the rug won't help either. Thoughts haunt you daily.

Tell me. Should we just be safe and practical or should we be different and take risks?

I don't know if I should continue modeling. Honestly, in Singapore it is quite important... wait no, it is with no doubt, important and preferably a MUST to get degree today. And the process of getting a degree is not fast, it takes about 4 years.

Most people in Singapore are known for their realistic mindset and how they are so driven to be excellence in the their respective fields. So, modeling seems or rather sounds impossible to many. Sometimes, I genuinely feel ashamed to tell people verbally that I model. Occupation: Student.

Unless asked, I would then mention about it. Not because it is not a decent job, but think about it, if I were to tell you, "Yeah I model", you being nice and not wanting to ruin this relationship we just have, would kindly pretend to be engaged and supportive and say, "Wow, that sounds fun!" etc etc etc. However, deep down in that heart of yours, you'd be like "seriously girl, seriously?"

Am I right? You'd think I'm naive. I haven't seen the world. How can I sustain my rice bowl etc. How can I waste my time like this. How am gonna earn a living in Singapore in future. Everyone is racing against time, trying to get a degree within the shortest time and venture into the harsh and cruel industries and hope to shine.

So, if I were to model full-time after my diploma (Feb 2013), I will definitely lag behind my friends. And to be honest, my ego wouldn't allow that. It's gonna be hard for me. If I were to really really model full-time, will I be able to pick up the pace from where I left off in school after not touching books for quite a while??? I mean for instance a really good example here right now: I am so used to typing on my laptop that my handwriting is totally screwed!!! No joke.

Besides those above, another issue I wanna bring up tonight is, putting on braces. Yes. I want to put on braces. Why? Have you seen my bottom set of teeth? No. Better not. They're disastrous. I am not even kidding. Braces will take about 1.5 years. And how am I gonna model full-time after Feb 2013 with my braces on? Just how?

I've set an appointment with my orthodontist on 24th Sept for tooth extraction and 30th for putting on the braces. It is not too late for me to chicken out. That's why I am thinking about this right now before I really do regret!!!!

So if I really decide on modeling, I will not have those braces. I'd have to cancel the appts!
But then, I would think it's really ugly and unflattering to be modeling in those teeth as well. So how!!!! Such a dilemma right?

Ok finally get this off my chest. I'm done ranting for now. Yeah. Goodnight.

Hopefully, I'd dream some dreams with hints that tell me how.

Meh.

FOREIGN

Back here without knowing what to say again.

I've been pretty much happy with my life so far. 

I've nothing to rant. Even if I do, I am far to lazy to piece those thoughts together.

So, just live life baby.

"THE ACCUSTOMED COMFORT LEVEL OF TRUE JOY"

Taken from Sham's blog.

An entry which I like a lot. And I thought should be shared with you guys.

I don't know about you, but this got me thinking a lot.

Hmm...

So, what do you think?

GIRLS

YET ANOTHER WORDY POST...

Managed to meet up with my girls today! We had an impromptu movie date, Chernobyl Diaries! I expected it to be better, so I'd only give it a 2.5 out of 5. If you are considering to watch, think again... haha. Well, it ain't thaaaaaat bad but Vampire Hunter is definitely much better /wink.


Anyway, it was a well-spent day with Sham, Huisze and Jeremy. Glad that we did this today. It can never be bad with my girls around ☺☺☺


Each time I'm out with them, I'm amazed by how far we've come. I used to never had luck with people I regarded as friends in secondary school. You can never imagine the horror/nightmare/shit that I went through; all the backstabbing, hypocrites, dramas, lies, masks, etc. They were really exhausting: mentally, physically, spiritually whatever. Then again, they made me a lot stronger. And also thanks to them, I learn to count on my girls. 


How long have we been friends? More than 6 years!!! (oh boy how time flies)
If only relationship could sustain like friendship, wouldn't that be nice? Haha but, I think it is a lot easier to be my friend than my boyfriend.


Thank you guys for always being the closest to me even when we are being separated by the different stages of life, being in different tertiary schools and all.


Thank you guys for holding onto our friendship, for never be like “Eh, things change, people change” and drift away vaguely because we’re victims of circumstances. We all get distant to a certain degree when we make huge transitions but you guys didn’t let me get very far and always keep me rooted to the ground. And I like that.


Thank you guys for taking care of me in every way possible, for being there when no one else was or wanted to be and when you guys didn’t have to. You guys are always understanding even when I didn’t call for weeks because I was too busy being a 'walking hanger' or someone’s girlfriend. And yet, you guys are always ever-ready to pick up my heart-splinters when things get predictably messed up. You guys were and are there for everything, no bargaining or explanations needed. 


Thank you guys for being different than everyone else, different from the friends who are only there for the fun things, the art museums and shopping and clubs and movies and the good times. You guys stick around for the bad too. Thank you guys for always being fun even when we’re not having fun. I don’t know how else to explain that but yeah.


Thank you guys for believing in me when I was too weak and exhausted to believe in myself. Thank you guys for pushing me, for repeating those affirmations that don’t mean anything in inspirational movies/films/posters but mean everything when y'all say them. 


Thank you guys for always knowing who I am and reminding me of that when I forget. Thank you guys for being genuinely concerned with the outcome of my life and always listening, even when y'all are in fact, tired. 


I can’t think of many other people I’d actually take a bullet for. 
I’d actually do it for the both of you. And I mean what I said. 


Okay, goodnight girls. See y'all real soon! ♥ ♥ ♥

STUMPED

I'm sorry that it has been really long since I sat my ass down and blogged about an interesting and worthy entry for y'all to read. I miss this space. I miss having the freedom to blog about anything I want. It's not like I no longer have the freedom. I do. 

It's just that now I'd have to think for, not just myself, but for my boyfriend too.

As a boyfriend, wouldn't you like to hear/know of info about your girlfriend from her personally than to find out from her blog or someone else... right? Hence, this makes it difficult for me to blog because if I were to blog about my troubled thoughts (like now), I am afraid he would see it as why didn't I turn to him instead?

It is not that I don't want to confide in him. Think about it, wouldn't it be hard to seek for solutions from the root of woes. I want to get the words out but I can't. If every cat is let out of the bag, people will get hurt, isn't it? I don't know if my analogy makes sense, but I hope you get my drift.

I feel selfish sometimes. I probably am. The truth is, everyone is.
But to what extend, are you selfish? 


Did you know being in a relationship can gradually turn you into your most selfish self? 
You've no idea, don't you? Me neither.

Being in a relationship, of course is good! Having someone to hold you, listen to you, care for you, love you, someone to plan your bleak future with, waste time with, do almost everything with. However, it has its downsides too but not many would want to talk/mention it, especially not those who are in relationships. (P/S Me.)

I just want to get this off my chest. I've been wanting to blog about this since last month. So, I'll say what I have to say, so dear boyfriend, please bear with me if you are reading this.

I've never liked being restricted. Anyway, who likes right? I would very much like to think of myself as free soul. I have never thought of being committed to someone that I could love so much and, actually be happy with.

I don't like it when I feel like I can't breathe, for the lack of freedom in the relationship. However, on the other hand, I don't like being left alone without him. I secretly (maybe not that secretly) crave for his attention, at the same time, yearn for freedom as well. I don't like how honest I am getting. Take note: I am not saying I am being suffocated in this relationship, I am referring to relationships in general.

As much as I want him all to myself (yes, obviously I am selfish as fuck), I can't do the same for him. I cannot not keep in touch and hang out with my bros/guy friends yet I feel unsafe/weird/different/affected when he talks to other girls. Why am I behaving like that? I really don't like how I am feeling. I feel ugly battling these contradictory emotions inside.

Being in a relationship also makes you realize how often you may be dumbfounded or stumped by a simple question like, "Are you okay?" When his eyes stare right into yours, it makes it even more difficult for those honest words to come out. That's when the whole "I am fine but I am actually not" saga takes place. Hence, I seek comfort in writing/blogging. Writing makes me feel brave; saying whatever I want and letting my fingers run wild, and free.

I don't get why relationships have such effect on me? I believe it is not just me. Other girls would probably be in the same boat, but I think they handle these better than me.

And of course, I would be afraid and have to deal with Jeremy seeing this. So, I would really like to seek for your (Jeremy's) understanding that it is REALLY hard for me to say this to your face. I can't bring myself to utter anything except that "I am okay" and I hate that I lie about being okay when I am not. I don't want to be one of those girls who bottle up their feelings. So I hope you really get where I am coming from, and understand that this space is the only avenue for me to release these frustrations I am feeling inside.

Please also understand that, I have no intention of ending this relationship or whatsoever. I just want to rant. Simple as that. Now that I feel better, don't worry, I am really okay. It might the hormones acting up ( I just got my menses). So yeah. Sorry this super wordy (dull) entry. Whoever that is still reading this line besides my boyfriend, I admire you for your high level of endurance and tolerance. Haha!

Anyway, I am gonna end here. I know it's weird that I end so abruptly but whatever. Goodnight!

PLAYLIST

I am really glad that y'all like my new playlist. 

Requested by many, here it is:

1. To The Lighthouse (Millionyoung Remix) - Memoryhouse2. Snowship - Benjamin Francis Leftwich
3. On the Safest Ledge - Copeland
4. In Your Arms - Kina Grannis
5. Slow Days It Was Super - Moshimoss
6. Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
7. Used To Be - Beach House
8. All About Hearts - Mindy Gledhill9. Tonight - Lykke Li
10. Wicked Games - Coeur de Pirate
11. Love Love Love - Of Monsters and Men
12. Featherstone - The Paper Kites
13. What's Wrong With Me? - Julia Stone
14. Your Love - Marie Digby
15. Instruct Me - The Drums
16. Ordinary Day - Emilie Mover
17. Diet Mountain Dew - Lana Del Rey
18. Just So - Obel
19. Clementine - Sarah Jaffe
20. Beautifully - Jay Brannan
21. Swell Window - Zee Avi
22. White Winter Hymnal - Fleet Foxes
23. Lies - The Pierces
24. Slow And Steady - Of Monsters and Men
25. Get Up - Barcelona
  

"She lost her sense of light. She has to hold my hand."

TIOMAN GETAWAY

It's a really beautiful place, but the place I went for my first dive trip, Pulau Dayang, was definitely waaaaaaay better than Tioman. The water was clearer, the environment was better, the scenery was nicer, and of course, it's not Tioman's fault. 

It is no doubt human's mistake. It hurts to see cigarette butts floating on the surface of the sea. Not one, not two. If every smokers were to think to drop one butt (accidentally) into the sea is okay, what would all the beautiful places become in 1 year time? 

Pollution... seriously. Well, I am no better myself.

I probably/definitely contribute in some other ways of pollutions.

I am guilty and human doings are ugly.

Lovely boyfriend left a note while I was asleep on the 3hour bus ride. 

So sorry, love you!!! HEHEHE

HAIIIIIIIIII TIOMAN!!!! HEHEHEHE. 

Beautiful isn't it?

If only I could bring one of these precious home.

No wait, if only my mom allows....

Just ignore my boyfriend's eyes. 

Happens often hahaha. Bad timing.

Reason why I chose to go back to the sea whenever I can.

Pulau Salam for lunch after dive.

Trying to blend in.

KK chilling~~~

I really do love this picture a lot. 

How I wish I was the one lying there, and he was the one taking the picture instead.

Before sunset.

After sunset.

Beauty staring right through you. 

Simply gorgeous.

After dinner.

God's creations are simply breathtaking.

That's all! Short and sweet!

Bye, Tioman!

It's been fulfilling.

Random fact: I need to do things that feed/nourish the soul, else it's as good as useless to me.

Goodnight readers!