MOOD:

(dark but tender)

I was supposed to be asleep. Instead, I chose to watch this video below that popped up on my Facebook feed and...cried buckets by the time the credits had begun to roll. I got Ming to watch it too ; to not feel so alone. He knew I wasn't okay from the contents of the video and called instantly to make sure everything was alright with me. Thanks, baby, for being simply amazing.

I have embedded the video below. I'm not sharing this with you to make you feel shitty; rather, I wish to acknowledge how real this fear inside of me is. As the saying goes: to solve a problem, one has to first recognise it as one. In order to battle with my inner-demons, self-awareness is an absolute necessity. 

Warning: If you aren't in the mood to invite some 'feels', please do not watch this.
It might make you an emotional train-wreck.

Oddly, or perhaps not so, I found the video to be too goddamn relatable. The woman in this video is exactly the kind of woman I aspire to be in future - strong yet supportive, cheeky yet endearing, silly yet charming (another topic for another day). This short film and the actress in it basically encapsulate my fear of going blind into an emotional yet probable story; I find the possibility of going blind  so real that... I am scared shitless. There are so many scary sicknesses in the world, yet the one I can least imagine myself in is one that leaves me crippled by the permanence of darkness.

When I dined in the dark with Yi Ming at NOX during one of our first few dates, I had a little chat with my server who had unfortunately turned blind due to an unintended side-effect from a minor surgery. My heart sank. A temporary problem exchanged for a permanent one is definitely one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. They say that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. However for sight, I would rather not have had the chance or experience or register the beauty of the world if I've to live the rest of my life knowing what I'm missing out on. 

Though I found the beautiful lady in the film strangely familiar, I don't see the same strength she possesses within myself. In ever such a tragedy were to occur, I don't think I would be found by my work desk or office like her. Instead, I'd seek refuge in the most secluded corner of the house; searching for scraps of comfort as my inner demons fill my head with paranoia. Desperately, I would try to shield myself from reality and wait for the each day's end. As I expressed this (irrational) fear to Ming over the phone, he gently soothed me and told me this: "In that case, I shall work from home. If you ever call for help, I'll be there."

Then, from his words, I begun to understand. That was it. That was where the actress drew her strength from; her husband. She had to be okay. When you're married or have someone you love in mind, I think your instincts would naturally kick in. They would tell you to protect your significant other and not to cause them unnecessary worry. In other words, your love for another gives you little choice but to be brave.

I watched the Theory of Everything today and I have new-found mad respect for Stephen Hawking and Jane Wilde. From what I understood from the film, they're one of the bravest couples I have ever encountered. I have begun to like Stephen Hawking a lot more after he's portrayed as a humorous man in the film. Everything seems much to go down smoother with a little sip of laughter, isn't it? They should have totally peppered that short film with occasional good ol' mild jokes. Maybe then I'd have managed it better.

12:48AM

She was most beautiful when she did as she wanted; when she ate what she wanted and sighed in satisfaction. When she wore what she wanted and walked in confidence. She was particularly spectacular when she loved…even when she received nothing in return.

ODD

I am actually starting to dislike my favourite past time activity: scrolling Instagram newsfeed. It's gradually looking a lot like a pretentious social scheme. What is worse is that I've been relying on it for extra income. And I now, find myself... reliant. Looking at all the other louder or more interesting personalities on my timeline, I can't help but face some odd mini identity crisis. Now I begin to fathom why I have friends who chose to delete or stay away from Instagram to salvage/protect their self esteem.

It's hard to suppress the growing fear in you when you realise the exposure of all these personalities has unknowingly, perhaps, led to the slight dilution of your personality. Ok, let me try to make this clearer but giving you a scenario: let's just say you're running a restaurant and your business has been amazing with the marketing strategy you've been employing for the last few months. Suddenly, these new restaurants start to swoop in, and they are doing equally well with different marketing strategies... this is when naturally you'd be tempted with questions like, "Am I still doing this right?" "How do I stay differentiated?" "Am I still relevant?"

Recently, I did a feature for L'officiel (out in March) and one of the questions was, how did I get noticed (as a blogger) and I earnestly replied, "Just because I blog, I don't like being labelled as a blogger or influencer because I'm no Gandhi to influence. Also, famous is subjective. I think I just happen to be a lucky girl whose content happen to pique the interest of others." 

As much as my friends think I'm goofy and fun to be around, there's only so much I can show through the squares on Instagram and they are called still images for a reason. People choose to see what they wish to see anyway. The Irina you've in mind might probably be very different from the real Irina. People subconsciously build ideas of others from the little information they garner in their head, which is why some people stop liking their crush after getting to know them because the idea of them is far more attractive and appealing. There's nothing wrong with it. In fact, it's normal. I do it too. It's just that... what if the real Irina does not live up to the idea of Irina you have in your mind because the real Irina is only human and she's flawed.

Thank God, this space still offers me a comfortable amount of clarity.








Edited @12:05AM: People say artists shouldn't apologise for their art and I should probably not apologize for the incoherency of this post, but I feel sorry for my inability to put this post in a more comprehensive way that clearly projects my thoughts aloud.