POWERFUL CONVERSATIONS

In my effort to document meaningful conversations and to preserve them as more than just a fleeting moment, I've decided to pen down a conversation I had with my best friend, Hui Sze or fondly known as Hoho. As people often say, our perception of time really does speed up once we've gone past the 25-year mark and the experiences that I have documented on this blog seem to live clearer in my memory than those that I had not.

Saturday, 16 May 2020

Irina, London 12:04 PM

Hui Sze, Singapore 7:04PM

What started as a mindless rant on my obsession with perfecting yoga poses turned into something far more enriching than I had expected.

There were several learning points:

1. We might lose our way but we never lose ourselves.

“Life peaks?” “When was the last time you peaked?” I’ve always wondered about my potential. To which, Hoho and I both wondered - Are we growing, or are we regressing? 

Hoho shared on how a book, StrengthsFinder, came into her possession and her experience with it. The book includes a strengths assessment to determine one's five core strengths. "The results are pretty accurate!" she exclaimed. 

How serendipitous - back in 2016, I had been gifted the exact same book by a wonderful friend and I too had done the test. Oddly, at the time the results didn’t pique my interest and I didn’t look further into it. In hindsight, the 2016 Irina was perhaps more certain of who she was.

Fast forward to today. When I found my account login details, I revisited the test results (did I mention that while the meat of the content was in the StrengthsFinder book, the test was conducted online? 21st century!). As I fiddling through the website for the right tab, I was curious and slightly skeptical - will I still be able to identify with these qualities? I found the tab, finally. My core strengths, as highlighted by the test, felt familiar yet foreign. “Wait, I was this person?” “How was the 2016 Irina so chill with this?” 

With work becoming more and more demanding as of late, I’ve been pushing myself harder towards perfecting my craft. These feelings, albeit not the healthiest, have somehow served me well. These high standards have made me good at what I do. However, I'm aware that this obsession is not sustainable. I haven’t been kind to myself, so much so that I felt slightly emotional when I saw these five strengths - as if my knee jerk reaction was to think myself undeserving of such affirmations.

My strengths are Relator, Activator, Empathy, Strategic and Command. 
So, this is a healthy reminder to myself that I’ve always been all of the things above. 

As we grow up, the self-inflicted pressure to live up to expectations becomes more pronounced. Hoho mentioned that we’d be much more readily to offer our five weaknesses, rather than our five strengths when asked by other people. She continued with an analogy: We are all born with rough edges. Over the years, we work hard to smooth them out to avoid offending those around us. Yet, we remain unfulfilled by these journeys of self-improvement because we don’t feel like we’re developing what makes us unique. 

2. Do you take compliments well? I don't.

One of the consequences of me being too hard on myself is that I am absolutely horrible at receiving compliments. It's become more apparent recently and I often flat out fail to register them. BUT, that doesn’t mean I don’t like external validation. Funnily, friends who know me well seem to have a tweet to sum me up: 

One of the very few people whom I can’t refuse a compliment from is Hoho. She read her strengths aloud to me over Zoom, and one of them is Individualisation. What that means is that she has the ability to better see each individual for who they truly are, for all their quirks and flaws. She gets what separates that being from another and doesn’t have it in her to generalise. In my 15 years (wait, has it been 15??? wow) of friendship with her, her compliments are often well-supported with anecdotes. 

Instead of, "Yeah, I like that about you, Irina!"

Typical Hoho would go, "Yeah.... you know, Irina, you've this thing about you. Remember <this exact scenario that took place which involved both of us>, I was <clearly articulated her feelings in relation to my actions>. This is special because <reasons why this is out of the ordinary> and <more examples to show how my actions have been consistent and it's not a one-time off observation>."

I would squirm in these instances but I would not be able to bounce the “You’ve to say that cause you’re my friend" usual slice of nonsense back at her. As I learnt about this strength of hers, I realised my relationship with compliments is not as adversarial as I thought. I figured I highly value compliments that are distinctive and well-thought-out. In those rare scenarios, I easily resonate with the feedback and I will find it in me to articulate a heartfelt response.

I think we all can learn a little from Hoho. Instead of fueling the current state of compliment culture, we can try to go below the surface the next time we choose to dish out a compliment.

3. We all need answers to things.

I revisited some parts of the conversation with Yi Ming after the call. He is so very different from me in this aspect. We digest information very differently.

I enjoy digesting information that is related to me and my world. He particularly enjoys seeking information that is external to his world. For example, news or history. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it. I do but I'm pretty sure I derive more endorphins when I engage in a soulful conversation. 

Anyway, as human beings, we’re always in pursuit of new ways to understand the world - even subconsciously. We want answers to everything - why are things the way they are. Recently, a friend sent a podcast on Imposter Syndrome my way. The podcast dissects this unique, documented behaviour and how it covers five different types. The hosts of the podcast offer helpful insights into the topic. Listening to it, I felt like I was finally getting diagnosed by a doctor. These answers help me understand and become aware of certain red flags within me. For example, if you've had troubles running and never knew it's because of your knee, you'd never know that you would need to put on a knee guard or see a physiotherapist. With a diagnosis or even some kind of explanation, you can better watch out for yourself. That is what this experience felt like for me.

I’m not sure if you share the same sentiments around being too hard on yourself or having Imposter Syndrome, I suggest you have a listen: here. It might offer you the inner peace you never knew you needed. I didn't think I was looking for an answer and it was just there. Also, it helps to know that you’re not the only person who’s carrying this weight. 

Just to be clear, this is not a StrengthsFinder book promotion. I just wanted to write again, I guess? These points might not resonate with you now but hey, who knows... maybe you might find them helpful four years later.

Take care x






P/S This has taken me several rounds of editing because I wanted to make sure that it's at a place where I'm happy to click 'publish'.... after all, these are very personal thoughts. Yet, now, it feels... polished (ugh!). We're our own worst critic.