TO ADD ON

Mentally married to you, dear.

MENSTRUATING

"I am happy."

If you were to see what an awful state I am in right now, you wouldn't believe my answer.

But really, I am happy. In fact, beyond that.

This time of the month got me bad, real bad.

Never been so emotional before during my menstrual period, and today is exception. 

Any conversations, actions, words, gestures, well... really anything could simply trigger me to break into tears and I have no idea why. I got mad and irritated at myself for the lack of emotion control because I feel awfully disgusted for crying at absolutely nothing!

I hate to cry, not knowing what I am crying about!

"Why are you crying, love?"

I have no fucking idea.

Honestly, the hormones fucked me up quite bad this time. I've never been this bad before, and I don't know what to do or how to react. So those girls in TV aren't actually dramatic, but it's real. And, I actually think being in relationship has a part to play in this. I am not pointing finger to my boyfriend, but listen to this: just any sweet-nothing or cheesy talk Jeremy said could send me to tears right away, even the jokes he cracked! How stupid is that?! 

So are you happy or sad, Irina?! 

I don't even know!!! 

HAHA!

I looked so silly! Tear-stained face, puffy eyes smudged with mascaras, messed up hair in loose ponytail. Joke haha. Never did I expect it to be this bad this month, something new huh.

The cramps was bearable but I really couldn't keep up emotionally.

However, I am so glad that Jeremy took it all so well.

Despite the ugly state I was in, he took no notice (though he laughed at first) and showered me with endless love (later). Not that I am blowing my own trumpet about my boyfriend, but what he did today, really deserve some credits. It was waaaaaay out of ... my expectations. 

Never thought I could meet someone like that.

Someone I would potentially marry.

He was amazingly considerate, patient, meticulous and caring.

He held me close, wiped those tears, hugged tighter and hushed gently till I feel fine.

At that moment, I felt like crying even more. 

The setting was so perfect. I've always thought, 

"Oh, how corny of those love novels/dramas to have time stood still. Utter crap right?"

Well, I take back those words, and gladly admit that I was wrong.

Because then, I secretly wish that time could stand still for me, 

to lie there just a minute longer.

A minute.

I never felt so secure in someone's arms before. 

That was probably the security I've lost from the non-existent paternal presence/love 

and have been looking for eversince. 

With his arms wrapped around me, it's like nothing else really matters.

As I lay on his chest listening to his steady heartbeat, I waited for mine to gradually match his.

And.... 

Oh how, cheesy Irina!!!!

Thank you for reading.

This has been unnecessary, but whatever.

K bye.

WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE?

I wish the amount of selfless love I had for my Mom then still exists today.
Not that I am not trying, or that we are not okay. We're cool, we're talking and we love each other.
But it is very much different from how it used to be. You know what I mean?
Not only it feels weird trying to bridge/fix something that seems 'okay' at home, as if I am ready to acknowledge this as a problem. Like, I don't love my Mom enough or something.

And yes, maybe I don't. Maybe we all don't.

Guilty?

LONG RANT

I know the only thing that should be on my mind now is my final exam paper, which is on Wednesday but my mind can't help straying. I've been thinking a lot about my bleak future recently. Though I am not much of a planner, I honestly wish I vaguely know or have decided on what I am gonna do. So I could at least, feel secure and safe like, "Yes, I know what I want" and I can work towards it. Having a direction right now at the age of 20, will save a lot of headache for sure.

But since I have absolutely NO IDEA, I found this statement comforts me quite well in this near-miserable state, "Oh, I don't like to plan." or "I take whatever that comes along the way" or "I will only decide when I have to."

Honestly, it's the fear but I can't get pass it. Or rather, myself. Just because I don't know what I want, I conveniently seek comfort in that lie that I am more of a day-by-day kind of person so I don't have to deal with all the decisions. But obviously sweeping them under the rug won't help either. Thoughts haunt you daily.

Tell me. Should we just be safe and practical or should we be different and take risks?

I don't know if I should continue modeling. Honestly, in Singapore it is quite important... wait no, it is with no doubt, important and preferably a MUST to get degree today. And the process of getting a degree is not fast, it takes about 4 years.

Most people in Singapore are known for their realistic mindset and how they are so driven to be excellence in the their respective fields. So, modeling seems or rather sounds impossible to many. Sometimes, I genuinely feel ashamed to tell people verbally that I model. Occupation: Student.

Unless asked, I would then mention about it. Not because it is not a decent job, but think about it, if I were to tell you, "Yeah I model", you being nice and not wanting to ruin this relationship we just have, would kindly pretend to be engaged and supportive and say, "Wow, that sounds fun!" etc etc etc. However, deep down in that heart of yours, you'd be like "seriously girl, seriously?"

Am I right? You'd think I'm naive. I haven't seen the world. How can I sustain my rice bowl etc. How can I waste my time like this. How am gonna earn a living in Singapore in future. Everyone is racing against time, trying to get a degree within the shortest time and venture into the harsh and cruel industries and hope to shine.

So, if I were to model full-time after my diploma (Feb 2013), I will definitely lag behind my friends. And to be honest, my ego wouldn't allow that. It's gonna be hard for me. If I were to really really model full-time, will I be able to pick up the pace from where I left off in school after not touching books for quite a while??? I mean for instance a really good example here right now: I am so used to typing on my laptop that my handwriting is totally screwed!!! No joke.

Besides those above, another issue I wanna bring up tonight is, putting on braces. Yes. I want to put on braces. Why? Have you seen my bottom set of teeth? No. Better not. They're disastrous. I am not even kidding. Braces will take about 1.5 years. And how am I gonna model full-time after Feb 2013 with my braces on? Just how?

I've set an appointment with my orthodontist on 24th Sept for tooth extraction and 30th for putting on the braces. It is not too late for me to chicken out. That's why I am thinking about this right now before I really do regret!!!!

So if I really decide on modeling, I will not have those braces. I'd have to cancel the appts!
But then, I would think it's really ugly and unflattering to be modeling in those teeth as well. So how!!!! Such a dilemma right?

Ok finally get this off my chest. I'm done ranting for now. Yeah. Goodnight.

Hopefully, I'd dream some dreams with hints that tell me how.

Meh.

FOREIGN

Back here without knowing what to say again.

I've been pretty much happy with my life so far. 

I've nothing to rant. Even if I do, I am far to lazy to piece those thoughts together.

So, just live life baby.