I'm sorry that it has been really long since I sat my ass down and blogged about an interesting and worthy entry for y'all to read. I miss this space. I miss having the freedom to blog about anything I want. It's not like I no longer have the freedom. I do.
It's just that now I'd have to think for, not just myself, but for my boyfriend too.
As a boyfriend, wouldn't you like to hear/know of info about your girlfriend from her personally than to find out from her blog or someone else... right? Hence, this makes it difficult for me to blog because if I were to blog about my troubled thoughts (like now), I am afraid he would see it as why didn't I turn to him instead?
It is not that I don't want to confide in him. Think about it, wouldn't it be hard to seek for solutions from the root of woes. I want to get the words out but I can't. If every cat is let out of the bag, people will get hurt, isn't it? I don't know if my analogy makes sense, but I hope you get my drift.
I feel selfish sometimes. I probably am. The truth is, everyone is.
But to what extend, are you selfish?
Did you know being in a relationship can gradually turn you into your most selfish self?
You've no idea, don't you? Me neither.
Being in a relationship, of course is good! Having someone to hold you, listen to you, care for you, love you, someone to plan your bleak future with, waste time with, do almost everything with. However, it has its downsides too but not many would want to talk/mention it, especially not those who are in relationships. (P/S Me.)
I just want to get this off my chest. I've been wanting to blog about this since last month. So, I'll say what I have to say, so dear boyfriend, please bear with me if you are reading this.
I've never liked being restricted. Anyway, who likes right? I would very much like to think of myself as free soul. I have never thought of being committed to someone that I could love so much and, actually be happy with.
I don't like it when I feel like I can't breathe, for the lack of freedom in the relationship. However, on the other hand, I don't like being left alone without him. I secretly (maybe not that secretly) crave for his attention, at the same time, yearn for freedom as well. I don't like how honest I am getting. Take note: I am not saying I am being suffocated in this relationship, I am referring to relationships in general.
As much as I want him all to myself (yes, obviously I am selfish as fuck), I can't do the same for him. I cannot not keep in touch and hang out with my bros/guy friends yet I feel unsafe/weird/different/affected when he talks to other girls. Why am I behaving like that? I really don't like how I am feeling. I feel ugly battling these contradictory emotions inside.
Being in a relationship also makes you realize how often you may be dumbfounded or stumped by a simple question like, "Are you okay?" When his eyes stare right into yours, it makes it even more difficult for those honest words to come out. That's when the whole "I am fine but I am actually not" saga takes place. Hence, I seek comfort in writing/blogging. Writing makes me feel brave; saying whatever I want and letting my fingers run wild, and free.
I don't get why relationships have such effect on me? I believe it is not just me. Other girls would probably be in the same boat, but I think they handle these better than me.
And of course, I would be afraid and have to deal with Jeremy seeing this. So, I would really like to seek for your (Jeremy's) understanding that it is REALLY hard for me to say this to your face. I can't bring myself to utter anything except that "I am okay" and I hate that I lie about being okay when I am not. I don't want to be one of those girls who bottle up their feelings. So I hope you really get where I am coming from, and understand that this space is the only avenue for me to release these frustrations I am feeling inside.
Please also understand that, I have no intention of ending this relationship or whatsoever. I just want to rant. Simple as that. Now that I feel better, don't worry, I am really okay. It might the hormones acting up ( I just got my menses). So yeah. Sorry this super wordy (dull) entry. Whoever that is still reading this line besides my boyfriend, I admire you for your high level of endurance and tolerance. Haha!
Anyway, I am gonna end here. I know it's weird that I end so abruptly but whatever. Goodnight!
This post is too complex and personal for a feeble minded reader like myself to address. But I read something that sounded relevant:
ReplyDelete1991 people are Sheep people according to the Chinese astrology.
General characteristics:
"Daydreaming all afternoon sounds heavenly to the Sheep. This creative, esoteric Sign needs plenty of time alone in which to feed its Muse. Sheep are generally most comfortable in their own minds (which other, more linear-thinking Signs may have trouble deciphering). This Sign makes a great craftsperson or artisan, or perhaps a teacher of New Age studies -- any occupation that allows its mind the full range of freedom. Sheep tend not to be very well-organized, precluding many more dry business endeavors. In fact, Sheep tend not to be very materialistic in general, finding plenty of riches in their own imagination. However, especially when in love, the Sheep can be quite a lavish gift-giver. Perhaps it's that artistic temperament that so often causes Sheep to feel insecure, but the result is that these high-strung creatures need to feel loved and admired lest they start worrying incessantly. For this reason, Sheep tend to have a hard time with romance; anyone who couples up with a Sheep must know, this Sign has a sensitive streak a mile wide and can be subject to bouts of anxiety over seemingly inconsequential things. Sheep need plenty of love, support and open reassurance from their lovers. If a relationship is marked by conflict, the Sheep will often pull away -- either physically or simply by retreating into the safe haven of its imagination. If the romance is going well, however, Sheep won't hesitate to tell their partner what they need -- and they can be quite insistent about it! This Sign will definitely return the favor, however; the Sheep has a luxurious side that delights in indulging a lover's every wish. Appearances are also important to the Sheep, which may explain why these folks can spend hours primping and posing. Sheep would be well-served by learning to relax and let others run the show from time to time. Once they can be certain that their friends and lovers won't be gone when the Sheep returns from its daydreams, life will be a field of daisies."
As always, these are broad generalizations, but some of these seem relevant to the feelings you described above. Perhaps it is in your nature to feel this way?
My take:
I'm afraid that the only 'cure' for your ambivalent and seemingly contradictory drives is BALANCE. And unfortunately, the skill to make balance in one's own life is one that comes with life experience and time. There are no shortcuts or magic potions for this one.
It is clear that you do not take restrictions on freedom lightly. You're a "liberty or death" kind of girl. But perhaps the bulk of the restrictions you are experiencing are self-imposed? That is something only you can answer. If they are, you will overcome them. If they aren't, you will have to make some tough decisions about this issue in the near future.
In any case, when you come back from Narnia time (even for a brief moment) make some more posts, we miss these. =]
kudos on the honesty, and you're right, you're not the only girl in this..they say, being in your 20's is always the most confusing, so just breathe... and keep an open mind as you learn more about the world and yourself, you'll be fine ;)
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