AS OF NOW

I love it when I'm in the mood to write. I just read a Thought Catalog article and I thought of sharing it here with you guys. I shared it on Facebook and Twitter but I think people might just take it the literal way that, that I don't want a boyfriend. It's not that. 

I agree with the author but not entirely. Just close enough, close enough.

Why I Really, Truly Don't Want A Boyfriend

I just think it's nice when things are easy and not serious. It's fun when things are kept light and casual. I'd love to have someone, but just not a boyfriend. I want someone by my side but not like a date as well. I've just reconsidered the word 'date' because date feels like it brings out this association with the possibility and potential of things going further and... I don't know, I kinda don't want that sort of thing right now. I don't want any progress actually. For the first time, I think I might be fine with things being stationary or stagnant. 

I don't want to know your friends. I don't want to meet your parents, or your pet. I don't want to see your baby photos. I don't want to know that much about you. I just... want you to be in the moment with me. You don't have to ask about my childhood, I'll tell you if I want to. You don't have to know about my past relationships and I don't have to ask about yours either. But if we get there, we get there.

I don't wanna go out with someone and feel the need to subtly or somehow tell people that, "Hey, I'm dating" or "We're dating" cause being someone's date is quite a big deal to me, a little pressurizing too. Especially in Singapore, and because Singapore is soooo small, you can't practice open dating. In other countries, it's probably fine to go out and hang out with more than one guy. But here, it feels a little suffocating... when you date, you immediately box yourself up into this exclusivity with this person. What's the difference between dating and being in relationship then? Dating is meant for exploration; to see if it's possible to be with that person for a "temporary long-term" period (because marriage is then the permanent long-term period right?) and it's alright to actually date more than one person guyssssssss. If we can't, isn't that somewhat in a relationship already? Unless, it's a mutual agreement to dating exclusively between the two then yeah, respect.

Wait, do I sound like a commitment-phobic? Who cares. My point is this person has to be more than a friend but less than a date. This person is ambiguous. Yes, that's it. Ambiguous is the word! Don't tell me that this term exists and it's called friends-with-benefit. Just please, don't even go there. I don't think I am capable to grasp that term right now. My mind currently works like a 20-year-old and that, to me, is a real weird relationship to have with someone especially in Singapore. Everyone kinda knows everyone here. Isn't it weird to know that your friend is fucking casually with this another friend? I don't know. Maybe I'm.... still sexually-conservative?

I don't like how being in relationship could possibly render me weak. That I might just lose control over how I feel. That my feelings will be unconsciously affected by the action of another. I don't appreciate myself naturally, gradually expose my ugly to someone who could potentially, eventually use them against me to his advantage. 

I have grown this fear towards getting hurt, that I'd rather choose the ambiguity than the certainty because nothing is ever certain anyway. The hope you get from thinking things could be certain is the first step to torment. The comfort from ambiguity might save me from hurt and I don't, maybe ever have to feel ugly in front of a person who could possibly control the way I feel.

No idea if this entry made much sense but I'm going go for a run now.

The endorphins should help clear up the mess in my head.

11:02PM

I am back from run and I hate how I always second guess what I write and if I should remove the entry at all. My mind tend to fleet from a dimension to another; from cloudy to clarity. You're lucky if alcohol works for you, cause I'm still hunting. Ok, time to hit the shower.

11:53PM

My mind doesn't seem to rest because of what might unfold tomorrow. This is why I don't keep up with our date because it's scary how our meeting could be a determining factor to how things might pan out for us. I don't know if it's a good or bad thing that our unfinished business, might just finish tomorrow. Ok, time to hit the sack.

SO WE AGREE THAT...

"We're bad for each other."

I am not gonna even try to pen down my thoughts because I don't want to feel. Irina doesn't want to feel today. 

So yeah. At this moment, I am hostile. I am cold. I am indifferent. I am strong.

I'VE A LOT OF UPDATES TO DO

Usually I'm pretty diligent in transferring photos taken on my iPhone into my laptop for backup and blogging purposes. Yesterday, I connected my phone to my laptop and realized, holy shiiiiiiiiiiiit.......... I know I haven't updated my blog in a while~ but I didn't think I missed out SO MANY updates!! Sorry guys sorry. Now I know why some of you emailed me to check if I was okay haha.

Here's what what you missed:

1. RIVER SAFARI WITH KARINA

I honestly think this is the BEST time to go there now because it's new, it's not crowded and they've an ongoing complimentary boat ride thingy recently. River Safari feels very out of Singapore and very different from Singapore Zoo and I LIKE THAT. Singapore Zoo felt too........... cramped and tight and rush for me though I'm not claustrophobic. River Safari was the complete opposite, it was peaceful and you don't rush for show timings. You take your own sweet time and enjoy whatever there is for you to see. The entire place really complements how the highlight is the pandas cause it's sooooo serene and a little surreal. I went on a really really good day, so lucky me (and Karina).

Stop staring, fishes. 

STOP STARING AT ME. I FEEL SO STRESSED.

All River Safari is lacking of is a really good cafe. People were flocking the Panda restaurant and there wasn't any seats left. It'd be good if there's a cafe for us to do some alfresco dining to see this view. 

I really really loved my experience at River Safari. I'd rate a full 4 upon 5! There were seats in front of aquarium for you to sit and take all the beauty in and breathe worries away. So it was a pretty zen and incredible experience. If you're looking for fun, there weren't much of that like Singapore Zoo. But if you need a time out just to..... idk recollect your thoughts, it's a pretty good place! Got my tickets discounted at about..... less than $20? So it was not too bad!

2. ABC WITH KIDS AT BATAM

Nat being the good teacher: Eyeeeeeeeeeeeeee

 Irina being the bad teacher: Come candy time!!!!!

 Ok swagger kiddo....

(when you see it)

I need to go back and talk to the kid in red *ahem*

Kids do grow up fast. I don't know if you remember but she was in my previous Batam entry too. She grew so much!!!!!!! So this is what parents are all whining about.

Came back with dirty shoes but a heart filled with love and contentment to the brim. It's how funny how I always end up receiving more when I meant to give. This time round, I learnt that it's important to not be one of those volunteers that come and go. For those who've emailed me about this voluntary mission, think about it again. Consider if you can commit almost once every fortnightly? 

It's comforting for the kids to see familiar faces than always new and fresh face each time. It takes time for them to break the ice. It's definitely better to instil sense of familiarity among them than abandonment as if they're merely exhibition for city people like us to boast our good doings back at home. I am just thinking out loud the unspoken thoughts for the kids. They're based on my assumption and maybe it's also the truth.

So think about it before dropping me email again, that this could be long term. I might be going again on March 3. I do feel bad that I am not as active as the rest/the regulars. I'll be forever grateful how the children will always have a space for me in their heart. Just don't be like me, be more than me: Do more than me. 

OK JUST THIS TWO ENTRIES FOR NOW!!!

WILL BE BACK FOR MOREEEE (OLD) UPDATES!!!!

CAN'T WAIT FOR WIFI INSTALLATION AT 12PM TMR

BECAUSE THIS PERSONAL HOTSPOT SPEED IS KILLING ME.............