A P A R T IS GOOD

I know I'll regret posting this

It's weird how I am relieved by the distance the holiday is giving us. I wish it'd be easy to tell you how I really feel but I don't think you would be totally receptive to what I'm going to say. You would probably come up with some solutions and explanations to counter my stand and soon, I'd be steered away from where I begin.

Recently, I've been helping my friends to cope with their break-up. Yes, the result of cheating cases. Everyday, every single day, the things around me; the people, articles, images, experiences would remind and warn me about cheaters. They deter me from you. Deep down, though I try, I know I cannot love you the same way again. 

Maybe I can. But maybe I don't want to. Cause even if I do, it'll never be the same.

Cheaters cheat to receive the validation they lack of. The moment I realize that, I figure how cheaters can never love us though they claim so. They don't seek for us. They seek for the affection and validation we can give them. And those are easily obtainable from anyone, which makes the entire relationship perilous. A listening ear from any (interested) opposite sex would definitely hit the jackpot. 

And whatever the cheaters do or say, I can no longer take them seriously. Don't say I've never tried. Don't say I've never given a 100%. Think about it: How can I give my 100% to someone who's hurt me before. How am I supposed to trust me feelings with him again? Don't expect so much from me when you said, you'll never forgive a cheater yourself. So why the double standard?

Everything you do feels a little like redemption of what you did; just so your conscience could sleep at night, your guilt won't bite, your reputation won't stink and people won't look at you with that judging eyes. I'm not saying I doubt you entirely, but you can't blame me for doubting either. 

Honey, you can't resurrect what's dead. That includes, my feelings.

I know this is all very tough. It's probably the price of infidelity.

Nothing is harder than denying someone love.

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WORRY EVEN IN GOOD TIMES

Talk with Substance

I hate small talks. Sometimes I don't even like asking, "how's your day?" cause I'm actually not interested to know. I ask because it's only courteous. I wish we could jump into topics with substance and weights. I want you to tell me things I don't know about you, things that could help me see how I can love you. Tell me how lonely you are or what keeps you up at night or what songs make you cringe or what movies make you cry. Talk to me about the pet that died or how your mom's eyes glow when she speaks or how your dad's goofy behaviour makes you laugh. 

I don't care about the weather or what you ate. And I promise, in return, you don't have to care about the same.

I want substance, and not many can give me that. 

Even in Good Times, We Worry

I was just sharing with Hoho yesterday or the night before about a thought I can't dismiss in my head. People always say how it's important to find someone who stick with you throughout the bad times. Nobody really mentioned about the good, isn't it? Have you ever wondered how in good times, it can also be bad? Or maybe even harder to bear? 

I'll tell you how and why. And here's a scenario to aid your understanding: Imagine your husband finally makes his profit, he goes out to drink, starts to splurge and now opens to temptation... It then hit me how even in good times, when a family is financially stable, a time when there's no need to worry and argue about shortage, things can go very wrong. 

So what are the moments when it's absolutely okay to let our guards down and truly enjoy? Isn't it crazy. I don't know if you get the picture I'm painting here but who would ever thought in good times, it could potentially be the worst of your life: husband having affair.

It Was Uncalled For For Us

A good friend of mine just found out he's been cheated on last night. I've been fighting the emotional war with him ever since. The conversation between them was really intense. I will never understand why the cheaters would think it's much harder for them than it is for the victims since it's totally uncalled for for us??? 

Choices. It's all about choices. We were all struggling in the relationship, but the one who chose a different exit plan or temporary comfort shows a lot of cowardice than the other obviously. 

It really brings me back. I see so much of myself in their conversation when my good friend sent me the screenshots. It's true isn't it, that birds of the same feathers really flock together? If so, why isn't there a club for those (the different ones) where they can gather, date, cheat on each other, switch partners, get married and eventually cheat on each other again? 

Like what my friend nicely put above, if you expect your partner to cheat (in time to come), it surely means you haven't given your all.... including your trust. If you have trusted, you wouldn't have expected otherwise. And because you think it's an eventual thing, a case of infidelity waiting to happen to you, you'd allow yourself to be more open to the possibility of cheating on your spouse. "Since he's gonna cheat on me, might as well right?" If that's the case, your relationship is on highway to hell.

A Space For Me To Clear My Head

The above were just the random things I thought of and what happened around me recently. It's nice that I have a space where I can fall back on to express what I feel without having to second-guess myself and worry what you guys think of me now that I won't be able to hear your thoughts anymore on ask.fm. FYI I'm referring to the shallow ones btw. 

I've never expected to attract so many eyes on this site. Initially, this space was meant for not only myself but my friends, to let them into my world to see things my way when I couldn't articulate my thoughts well enough or for friends who needed to know what's going on in my life... this space was like Facebook, only much more personal. I've never sought for fame. It was never in my plan anyway. But later, I realized what I say actually weighs. I've to watch and decide what is appropriate to be shared for the eyes of many. The ability to be vulnerable in public, a space where it's easily accessible to everyone and still go with the courage to reveal feelings without the fear of being slammed,.... nosy pricks would never understand.

I just wanna thank the sweethearts whom had emailed me, to comfort me, to share love and joy.... you guys are the best thing I never expect to receive. Truly God-sent, thank you for making Christmas feels like all year round :')

P.S Thank you for those who'd credited me during quotation in their blogs or twitter accounts. Thank you for validating the things I say. People who failed to do so, aren't worth me giving second thoughts about their shallow minds.

MOVIE #14: A PERFECT MAN

Started out with no intention to blog and then I got carried away. I was introduced to this movie and.... somehow it spoke a lot to me. This movie skews towards an entirely different direction you wouldn't have expected. 

A Perfect Man as the title goes, is actually, unexpectedly defined by what the men think is perfection: a nice home, beautiful wife, lovely job and also freedom to gallivant. 

It revolves around cheating. How both parties cope with the aftermath of a cheat; the cheater and the victim of cheat.

Nina, the wife, plays such a true representation of a female. Or that I saw myself in her. Nina used an unconventional method to find out why the husband, someone she thought she knew for 9 years, did what he did. That entire scene was relatable. I remember how extreme I went from demanding to soft pleading for an explanation, which was never there. 

Males do not wish to speak of the fuck up things they did because they think those casual sex don't mean anything but they do, to us, females.

Sweeping shit under rugs never helps. I didn't feel sorry for the dude at all. It's a price he had to pay. Fair play.

I think the best remedy in situation like this would be..... a really good explanation and apology deliver face to face with sincerity, remorse and packed with honesty. Explanation should never be in pieces but whole.

The endings of the movie is disappointing though. I hate that they left it ambiguous. Though unclear, I clearly know what's gonna happen just from the last few exchange of lines from the couple. 



Wife: I'm moving to NYC. I'm gonna miss Amsterdam.


Husband: I wish I can say the same.


Wife: Why not? There's no reason for you to stay isn't it? 



I was searching for some strength from this movie. Hoping that it wouldn't turn out the way I thought it would be but it was. I am so skeptical right now someone, or the law or something should magically create or make happen a need for some form of guarantee in relationship and marriage. 

Ring and vows are not enough when the same signature on a divorce sheet could turn everything around anyway. 

What's the point. Nothing's definite. I don't wanna get married. I'm scared. But then again, I don't wanna grow grey alone. I'm scared of that too.

  

In all honesty, I wanna fall in love again. I wanna feel that flush on my cheeks, I want the red to creep behind my ears when I shy, I wanna feel those dormant butterflies stirring up in my stomach, I wanna see my face light up together with my phone when his name appears on the screen, I wanna doodle his name on notepad, I wanna practice saying his last name with my first, I wanna gush about him to my girlfriends, I wanna swoooooonnnnnn....................

I wanna feel light-headed for someone again. Sigh, I'm such a girl. 



Whoever you're, appear soon. I won't settle while I wait for you, I try.

DEACTIVATED

Some people ask too much, question too much and speak too soon. Without invitation, they give unwanted advices regarding issues that require absolute no help from the outsiders.

I find it extremely peculiar and disturbing to receive opinion when I didn't ask for any, from people I do not know of especially when it's phrased in the I-know-it-all tone. If it's wise and objective, I would have been open to hear it out but nope. It's been getting hard to handle these nosey-pricks or maybe I've no more will to. I hate to be questioned. I think the act of digging into in someone else's unrevealed life is a tad offensive. What I'm documenting is what I've decided to share, anything other than that is privacy.

Privacy, a word I doubt some people have learnt or understood. Otherwise, they would have known the boundaries. And because anonymity is the biggest ultimate shield in the medium I'm speaking of, not only people seek comfort in that (which is a normal thing to do)... but they also take advantage of it and keep pushing the limit. If the shield's gone, I doubt any of this would happen. Their cowardice would have instantly taken over, not allowing them to do something so stupid. If you don't do that in real life, why do you do it behind the screen?

This is why I've decided to deactivate my ask.fm. To be honest, it's getting quite tiring reading messages. Yes, no doubt some of you are absolutely lovely. I've been trying to hang on. If you've been with me long enough, you should know that I am a feeler. I feel things more than average I'd say. Knowing that it's unhealthy to solve other's issues and give advices because it can take a toll on my being for I can instantly put myself in other's shoes and feel what they're feeling which could result in.... slight/accumulated mental exhaustion, yet I still did anyway. I was just trying to be there for y'all. 

Then, I realize my ask.fm doesn't feel like my ask.fm anymore. People just keep taking, and taking. Everything is about them, them and them. I don't mind the genuine people I've spoken to. They're wonderful. Maybe therapists are expensive, so seek Irina for her unprofessional-not-certified 5-cent thoughts. At first I was grateful and happy that y'all choose to confide in me. Like "Hey, I mean something! What I say actually matters." But as time goes by, it feels different. It's not the same anymore.

So yeah, I'm retreating just a little. What you'd be seeing from now on, would be just the facade I choose to show. Nonetheless, thank you.

WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT

...... but we can't seem to find even if we try

Marry someone who lets you have a bite of their brownie, even when you said you weren’t hungry. Marry someone who laughs at the same things you do. Marry someone who kisses your nose on a cold day. Marry someone who you can watch Disney movies with. Marry someone who is proud of you whether you earn $5 a week or $5,000 a week. Marry someone who you can tell everything to. Marry someone who isn’t afraid or embarrassed to hold your hand in public. Marry someone who you can spend the day in Ikea with without feeling stressed. Marry someone who shares his jacket with you when you're cold. Marry someone who accepts your fears and phobias. Marry someone who gives you butterflies every time you hear their key in the door. Marry someone who you don’t always have to shave your legs for. Marry someone who accepts you all day every day, even when you don’t look or feel your best. Marry someone who doesn’t judge you when you eat your body weight in cookies. Marry someone who doesn’t make you want to check your phone, because you know they will reply. Marry someone who waits with you to get on the train. Marry someone who waves you goodbye till you're out of sight. Marry someone who understands that you need to be alone sometimes. Marry someone who gets on well with your parents and isn’t uptight about family events. Marry someone who calms you down when you get mad about stupid stuff, and never tells you it’s “only stupid stuff”. Marry someone who makes you want to be a better person. Marry someone who makes you laugh. Marry someone who you love. Marry your soulmate, your lover, your best friend.

We're all looking for that needle in a haystack.

A LIL' SWEET ESCAPE TO JB

Had the most amazing weekend with Jeremy, Chik and Natasha some time back when we really needed a getaway from all the.... mundane. Jeremy's a Malaysian so we stayed over at his empty apartment for a night. His mom made all the necessary preparation and cleaned the vacant place for us the few days before we got there (so sweeeeeeeet thanks Mama Chian!!!)

Jeremy didn't look anything like a hipster but all the places he brought us to, proven the inner hipster in him lives strong heh heh heh (+30 Irina points). The first stop was at Roost to have a good lunch. Y'all can Google these places, they're on Tripadvisor so it should be easy getting the location.

After a good meal, we went over to Jeremy's vacant apartment to put our bags and freshen up a little before heading out for more fun. His place was bigggggggggggg. Like.... BIG. Maybe cause my new apartment looks pathetically tiny so everything else seems naturally big in comparison. 

It was waaaay better than going to a hotel, of course. Nat and I shared a room. The boys slept in the hall (though there were 2 more rooms available) with the excuse of protecting us lulz. Or maybe cause we spotted cockroach in one of the rooms earlier on hahaha. But true enough that the place felt a little dodgy and there were a lot of foreign workers walking around the apartment cause the place wasn't entirely ready and construction was still ongoing. It was nice to have the boys around.

After that, the boys dropped us somewhere for a Thai Massage. I forgot the name of the place but I'd urge y'all NOT to go there because it's so commercialized and nowhere near value for money. I realize the staff have the tendency of exploiting customers for more money. And I don't even think it's cheap so.... yeah. They were super half-hearted in giving the service. I forgot the name but always look around before booking a session; check and see if the place is swarmed/relatively crowded by tourists. If yes, don't go.

Later on, we went to the place I'd been DYING to go..... D A N G A  BA Y. Yes, Danga Bay. I'd seen lots of pictures of this beautiful beautiful place and I bugged Jeremy for the longest time to bring me there and he finally did #yesssssssssssssssss

This ride.... felt like a gym session. We pedalled on our own precariously (to get it moving cause it's not operated on engine/battery/electricity) one big round around the park and yeah. That's about it. Nat and I were saying how we're glad that we're of approx. the same weight cause we'd really topple over if one happened to be a lot heavier than the other. After we got down, we stretched in public cause we didn't wanna get muscle cramps hahahaha. Probably the only ones that did that hahahaha, simply goes to show how long we hadn't worked out uh, Nat /guilty/

FYI the rides were pretty expensive. About RM10/$4plus for one? I was expecting something like RM5?

Biggest chicken both Nat and I'd ever seen in our lives. We were acting like total city girls; spamming photos of the chicken and asked if it's one of the prize we could claim /facepalm/  For a moment, I forgot the fact that I grew up chasing chickens in Malaysia. Sigh, how Singapore's changed me haha.

SHE WAS THE PRETTIEST LITTLE GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN. This photo obviously didn't do her much justice! She's so so soooooo pretty. At one point, she came close to me and I thought, "hey this is an opportunity to get a photo" so I squatted beside her. Aaaaaaaaaand.... she ended up running away and Jeremy managed to get a photo of me miserable.

After a really good time at Danga Bay, we went over to a bar to chill. It was something Eight. I forgot what's the exact name but the ambience was really nice. Jeremy, Chik and Natasha were the perfect company to talk about anything under the stars that night. I didn't think we would sit there for so long since I don't drink. We spoke about so many random topics in life. It was satisfyingly fulfilling. 

Later on, we were on a mission to see some trannies so Jeremy brought us to the usual sighting spots but it turned out that they didn't really bother us. We figured they wouldn't cause we (girls) were around in the car. Trannies would be smart enough to not approach cars with girls, isn't it? So yeah I was rather disappointed cause I was expecting some fun watching them doing their thing but there was nothing to see. And yeah, our night ended at about 3 plus? And our next morning started at about 10plus 11. 

Had a really good breakfast, ban mian. I'd been craving for Malaysia's ban mian for the longest time everrrrrr. Though it wasn't the best, it was sufficient :')  We planned to head back to SG when the traffic was estimated to be better at around 430PM? Since we had a lot more time to kill, Jeremy brought us to Kafe Sport. It was a reaaaally awesome hang out place. It's so hidden, I'm once again impressed.

And so yeah, that's about it.

Thank you Jeremy for being such a wonderful host and always allowing myself to be me, the comfortable dorky me around you. I can't wait for JB Round 2 already heh heh heh!!! 

Stress?? See you real soon, buddy ;-)