Friday, January 24, 2014


Talk with Substance

I hate small talks. Sometimes I don't even like asking, "how's your day?" cause I'm actually not interested to know. I ask because it's only courteous. I wish we could jump into topics with substance and weights. I want you to tell me things I don't know about you, things that could help me see how I can love you. Tell me how lonely you are or what keeps you up at night or what songs make you cringe or what movies make you cry. Talk to me about the pet that died or how your mom's eyes glow when she speaks or how your dad's goofy behaviour makes you laugh. 

I don't care about the weather or what you ate. And I promise, in return, you don't have to care about the same.
I want substance, and not many can give me that. 

Even in Good Times, We Worry

I was just sharing with Hoho yesterday or the night before about a thought I can't dismiss in my head. People always say how it's important to find someone who stick with you throughout the bad times. Nobody really mentioned about the good, isn't it? Have you ever wondered how in good times, it can also be bad? Or maybe even harder to bear? 

I'll tell you how and why. And here's a scenario to aid your understanding: Imagine your husband finally makes his profit, he goes out to drink, starts to splurge and now opens to temptation... It then hit me how even in good times, when a family is financially stable, a time when there's no need to worry and argue about shortage, things can go very wrong. 

So what are the moments when it's absolutely okay to let our guards down and truly enjoy? Isn't it crazy. I don't know if you get the picture I'm painting here but who would ever thought in good times, it could potentially be the worst of your life: husband having affair.

It Was Uncalled For For Us

A good friend of mine just found out he's been cheated on last night. I've been fighting the emotional war with him ever since. The conversation between them was really intense. I will never understand why the cheaters would think it's much harder for them than it is for the victims since it's totally uncalled for for us??? 

Choices. It's all about choices. We were all struggling in the relationship, but the one who chose a different exit plan or temporary comfort shows a lot of cowardice than the other obviously. 

It really brings me back. I see so much of myself in their conversation when my good friend sent me the screenshots. It's true isn't it, that birds of the same feathers really flock together? If so, why isn't there a club for those (the different ones) where they can gather, date, cheat on each other, switch partners, get married and eventually cheat on each other again? 

Like what my friend nicely put above, if you expect your partner to cheat (in time to come), it surely means you haven't given your all.... including your trust. If you have trusted, you wouldn't have expected otherwise. And because you think it's an eventual thing, a case of infidelity waiting to happen to you, you'd allow yourself to be more open to the possibility of cheating on your spouse. "Since he's gonna cheat on me, might as well right?" If that's the case, your relationship is on highway to hell.

A Space For Me To Clear My Head

The above were just the random things I thought of and what happened around me recently. It's nice that I have a space where I can fall back on to express what I feel without having to second-guess myself and worry what you guys think of me now that I won't be able to hear your thoughts anymore on FYI I'm referring to the shallow ones btw. 

I've never expected to attract so many eyes on this site. Initially, this space was meant for not only myself but my friends, to let them into my world to see things my way when I couldn't articulate my thoughts well enough or for friends who needed to know what's going on in my life... this space was like Facebook, only much more personal. I've never sought for fame. It was never in my plan anyway. But later, I realized what I say actually weighs. I've to watch and decide what is appropriate to be shared for the eyes of many. The ability to be vulnerable in public, a space where it's easily accessible to everyone and still go with the courage to reveal feelings without the fear of being slammed,.... nosy pricks would never understand.

I just wanna thank the sweethearts whom had emailed me, to comfort me, to share love and joy.... you guys are the best thing I never expect to receive. Truly God-sent, thank you for making Christmas feels like all year round :')

P.S Thank you for those who'd credited me during quotation in their blogs or twitter accounts. Thank you for validating the things I say. People who failed to do so, aren't worth me giving second thoughts about their shallow minds.


  1. Hi there! I strongly agree that cheaters should gather at a club so they can cheat their own kind and stop hurting others out there, we can never understand them because we can never be like them. Let them be on their own, i was a victim of a cheater too who decided to cheat on me with his ex. Trust me it took a toll on me because i cannot accept someone once so dear to me could do that to me. I hope your friend will get over it eventually though it's not easy. In a way, i guess the earlier he finds out the better.

    Cheers, stay positive and be happy :)

    1. Still bugging me if another chance should be given to cheater considering how they might change? :-/

    2. Well i think if they show repentance and are willing to gain your trust back again, maybe they could be given a chance but hey by that i mean that he/she is willing to gain and build the trust back again before you give him or her a chance to be together again. Trust takes years to build but seconds to destroy. This really depends on different individual, whether how important you are to him or her and if they are really sincere. I guess time will tell. If it fails again, moving on is the best way. You know they are still many wonderful people out there and believe when it's time, you will meet that very special person. =)


    Hope you remember me again hehe.

    Just dropped by to say this - I totally agree with you on the "worry even in good times". Recently my bf was offered the opportunity to go overseas for further career advancement, I can't be more happy for him but at the same time - there's this unexplainable 'bad' feeling I have inside of me. We've been through LDR for a year before and it was alright, but I'm not sure if it's gonna be the same again though. I feel happy that he has that opportunity, but. I just can't help to worry about all the problems that will/may surface. I tell myself to just go with the flow and take things as they come along, but it's not easy to do it?

    Anyway I just wanted to share with you my story! Haha not seeking for any advice don't worry. I just am glad that someone can put my feelings into words, when I couldn't. So, thank you for that!

    Hope you are having a blast on Chu Xi!!! xoxo

      (You should give yourself a last name like Rachel M? Or Rachel T? Haha that would aid my poor memory bank)

      Is it far? Can you tag along or are you still schooling?

      You guys are actually pretty awesome for surviving LDR yknow. That's something I don't think I can ever pull off. It's such a feat to me. It's definitely not easy to be the one waiting. I hate to be the waiting one. Always waiting for something in relationship. It sucks big time.

      Thank you for sharing your story with me!!! It's fine. No worries. Even if you're here to seek for advice, I'm ok too :-)

      Have a good CNY, Rachel!

    2. Haha okay I shall be RachelC :) I commented on your last post "deactivated". Hope that helps hehe :)

      Anyway :( yeah I'm still schooling and somehow our holidays/breaks always clash! I think the last time we manage to pull through because we started with LDR (like we were together for a few weeks and he had to go), but now when someone is all settled into your everyday routine, it gets kinda hard..? And yeah, it sucks to be the waiting one. And the worse part is, you have no idea how long you have to wait for :/ the dilemma is that, as much as I try to be happy for him - I find myself worrying about things, things I can't put my finger as to what they exactly are.

      Haha awww I've been an avid reader and sometimes I feel like whenever I read your entry, I can somehow relate? I guess that gives me courage to start leaving comments on your blog, like an online friend you know? hahaha!

      Hope you're having a great CNY with your loved ones too!! And no matter what happens, stay strong like you've always been! *virtual hug!*

    3. YES I'll definitely remember you now since you've a last name, RachelC :-)

      This is why my mom always say it's bad to start a relationship when we're still in school. Cause we'd never know who we'd fall for. Someone older or someone with a very different future plan. And somehow it's just very difficult to juggle. I think it's scary that Singapore is so exposed to so many opportunities and people are seeking to study overseas. What if, just what if, the person you love chooses not to come back or meet someone there or they're sick and you can't be there for them? All that, I'm sure you've thought of. I'm not trying to scare you or remind you of stuff but I wanna let you know, you're not alone in this. I'm struggling with it also.

      Because I've been waiting since the very start for everything. I now hate waiting, but still am. That kinda sucks, big time.

      And yes, drop in anytime you like, my online friend! :-) HAVE AN AWESOME CNY TOO HEHE.

  3. Dear Irina,

    Thank you for allowing me to draw strength from all your heartfelt entries. I spent the entire day reading through your entries.. and wow, you basically put into words how I truly feel about the different things in life.

    Like you, I find it hard to understand why people cheat. I have been cheated on, and I have also given the golden second chance.. only to see everything fall apart again. Even though it seems like I have wasted six years with this stupid boy, I have also learned a lot, lost a few friends along the way, and some days I wake up to feel like I have lost myself altogether.

    Then again, I'm not depressed, I'm just upset that things turn out the way they did. I guess I will feel better in time.. since it's only 4 months since my entire world was turned upside down. What happens to all the dreamers when dreams are broken? And what about all the love that I have left, when the relationship ends? What should I do with them? Have you ever felt like, you just want to leave for somewhere foreign and leave behind all of these mess here in Singapore?

    In one of your entries, about how we accept the love we think we deserve. We are so alike. I keep thinking I can fix him, and that he needs to be fixed. Then when I finally couldn't take it anymore, I realised.. I can't love someone who doesn't want to be loved. I can't love someone who doesn't even love himself. How can I expect him to love me back?

    Maybe the best lesson I ever learned from this whole relationship was that.. I'd be the one with no regrets, I loved him unconditionally from day one.. even through his cheating episode, and all the bad things that we went through. Until the end, even until the end. My heart lighted up when I saw a quote from your twitter, "Don't be afraid to be the one who loves the most." It makes me hopeful.

    Unfortunately.. as much as I would like to think that we were meant to be.. it seems like love is not enough. Or at least, it wasn't for us. It's also hard because I have yet to delete him from my social media platforms. I still read his tweets, and it's all about me, and our relationship. Makes my heart ache so bad, but I know there's nothing I can do, because the breakup was his choice. I'm merely giving him what he wants. It hurts me bad, but I have tried too hard over the six years, I am truly torn and exhausted. Like how I gave him a second chance, only for him to pull the trigger at me again.

    I always felt like I know him inside out, and nobody understands him like I do. But, he's nothing more than another stranger now. Maybe I never knew him at all.

    I guess the best part of this was learning that my best friend of 13 years actually said that it's my fault because I chose to go back to him after he cheated on me. I still remember sending her an SOS text on the day of the breakup, only for her to ignore it and only text me back few weeks later telling me that it's all my fault. It's not like we've had a bad friendship, I've been there for her all the time, and we always have common thoughts. Who would have thought that your best friend would judge you base on the person you choose to date? What about our friendship that goes way back? We met even before I got into a relationship with him, isn't it? Best friend.

    What happens to all of us broken souls?

    1. Hi Lynnie,

      Thank you dropping by, confiding me in me and showing me a little glimpse to your world.

      Firstly, I'd like to commend on how brave you are for doing something I hadn't had the courage to do: giving the person who'd hurt you the golden second chance. And because you held on for six years, that makes you stronger than you think you're.

      "And what about all the love that I have left, when the relationship ends?" I start to.... give the love that was reserved for him to everyone else around me who deserves it. Family, friends, unfortunates, unprivileged, anyone. Channel those energy somewhere else. Then, maybe you won't feel like running back to him to give the love that was meant to be his.

      "Have you ever felt like, you just want to leave for somewhere foreign and leave behind all of these mess here in Singapore?" Yes. I travelled more after the break-up. I feel the need to broaden my mind and nourish my soul with things I don't know and should experience in this lifetime while I'm young. I held back a lot more when I was attached. Recently, I've realized how much I've accomplished within the time I'm single again. I managed to get my birthday party going, I travelled, I skydived, I did a lot I didn't think I could if I was attached. I wouldn't travel, I wouldn't leave his side and that's terribly unhealthy.

      “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free” ~ Thich Nhat Hanh
      I wasn't. And it's the same for him. We were trapped. And we're too young to be trapped in this mindless-maybe-forever-true-shit love.

      And I've this note-to-self I wrote long ago and meant to post on Instagram but I hadn't had the courage to because I didn't wanna come off as depressed because like you said, we are not. "You're not over this person probably because they could never love you back the way you wanted them to, the way you needed them to. They were like defective toys that couldn't be fixed at the shop. This made you so angry and sad and you tried just so damn hard and everyone knew it but it didn't work. Not one bit. Because of this, your business with them will always seem unfinished. You couldn't conquer them and seal the deal, which made getting any kind of closure difficult. Your closure needs to be done on your own. You have to accept that this person will never give you the answers you want to hear."

      I don't know if it's applicable to you but I hope it strums some chords in your head and ease your pain a little that you're not alone in this.

      I deleted him from every social media platforms because seeing his updates won't help and he understands. Do what you must to make you feel okay. Don't put him first. You. You're the priority now. If it bothers you, just click 'Unfollow'.

      That 13-year best friend ain't best friend, isn't she? Cause if she is, that's not how a best friend should act really. No matter how sick my best friends are of my repetitive rants and complaints about the same old shit during the relationship, they take it in. That's what friends do. You can let her go. You need to teach her the lesson. If she ever comes back, let her know that she did wrong. It was really thoughtless and inconsiderate of her. Hang in there.

      You should now, love yourself. No one can do a better job than yourself.

      Take care /hugs/