ALL THAT PARTY SHIT

Was having a chat with a friend. A casual conversation turned serious, and I just have to share it. It's not easy to have someone who appreciate the way I see things, so I find it easy to confide and continue churning, till I have this whole chunk.


Friend: I've been thinking is it really worth being nice? If it is, why is it that guys and girls are always doing all sorts of funny things in club?

Me: Yeah I have no idea either. In Singapore, where else do you go to meet people? Even the nice people resort going to club, hoping they'd meet people who're there for the same reason. But what are the odds seriously. It's all just so confusing. Why do we have to stoop to such level just to feel wanted? To fill that void. Why can't we be stronger? This generation. Everyone. Why can't we be more... idk? Not so blinded by things. Why do we go through all this unnecessary process of sufferings? Why do you hurt people you claim to love? No wonder they say common sense is rare these days.

And to me, honestly I see club as a symbol of affirmation in Singapore to everyone that "hey there's still possibly someone out there who wants you." You feel good being hit on. You feel good being acknowledged. You feel good dancing with someone you don't even know. You feel good that you're acknowledged with simply your looks. You feel good feeling wanted. It's all an act to elevate our self-esteem. Are we that pathetic, guys? I wish I don't have to fall into this category. I am trying to seek comfort somewhere, and someone has to come up with an alternative soon for people to release these pent-up feelings inside; somewhere to feel good about themselves. Healthier activities seriously!!

I always appreciate seeing old couples, especially my grandparents'. Though grandpa is no longer around, I'll never forget what a gentlemen he was. Their marriage was arranged. Why is that they can learn to compromise and adapt at such a young age and we have to complicate things? We are taking things for granted, aren't we? Of course, my grandparents had their bad times just like any other normal couples today. It's normal. It's how they emerged after. They were left with no choice and freedom to fall in love, unlike us. Just like how we can't choose our parents. It's all planned, yet they were so ready to love. Why are we being choosy beings right now, find everything to be not good enough?

History, stories and legends are important. They exist for a reason. They exist for us, the younger generation, to educate us of what used to be possible.



I hope I make sense to you guys.

Goodnight.

WHO, WHAT NOW?

They say relationship is for two, why do I then hear so many irrelevant voices in between.

I am more than happy if your help is sure to be valid and useful. Otherwise, stop. Stop, my dear friend. I appreciate and love you so very dearly. But stop saying things that could possibly destroy the slightest ray of hope I have.

I know you're trying to protect me from going far worse than I already am now. But you have no idea how the assumptions you made hurt more than the hard truth, and it sucks that I've to hide how much I'm hurting inside else you'd feel awful as well. I've come so far, I can't just drop everything, do I? Why is that you can be right? Are you so happy yourself that you're an exemplary living proof right now?

Everyone is feeding me with too many info. All I need sometimes is just a listening ear and warmth. I'm exasperated enough. Please don't further mess up my train of thoughts. If you're not certain that you're leading me to the right path, you don't have to. Just sit back and watch me stand up on my own... eventually when I am ready (hopefully with the help of my dearest boyfriend).

Oh baby, I hope you know what you're doing to me.

HIGH SPIRIT

Finally, finally my schedule doesn't conflict with Mun's and able to go JB today!!!!!
Just a short while, for random adventure ;-)

Yayyyyyyyyyy~~

Pimple on my right cheek, why.

Ok byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee hehehe.

PICTURE WITH INAPPRORIATE CAPTION

"Celebrate"

Seriously? You think this is the right time?
You did well, boy. You did well.

You create the illusion that you're perfect, behind the lies you fabricate.

Edited at 2:48PM

YOUR FRIENDS ARE POISON AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. 

I want to scream it to you, but I won't. I'm gonna hold it in.

Keep it classy, Irina.

A FEW UPDATES

#Number 1

Sorry for deactivating my twitter and facebook abruptly causing some of you to think I cleared you guys off my space. No, it's nothing like that. I just need some time for my own. I need to do what I should have done long time ago. I need to stop, and think for myself instead of others.

For once. For now.

#Number 2

T H A N K Y O U

For being the amazing reader you are.

AforArcade commented on my Instagram saying some of you managed to get into their marketing team! Amazing guys!!!!!! I'm so proud and happy for you guys!!!! Firstly, I never thought what I said would mean so much and who thought people would pay attention to this little and humble space that's so emotionally-loaded, right haha?

Secondly, I wish those who made it to their marketing team - ALL THE BEST!!! 

Min and Collin are simply amazing couple. It'd be such fun to work with them. They are such a happy bunch. Just hi hi ha ha all the time. It's good to surround yourself with all the positive energy and you'll be happier too, so awesome guys!!!! Hehehe, I'm truly happy for you.

#Number 3

I felt like I got my life back yesterday. I went for a night out with my friends. They are such nice bunch of people. For this period of time, I am so thankful for all the people who have given me strength no matter how small or big it is. Be it the stranger neighbour who smiled at me in the morning, or the uncle who gently nodded his head when I held the lift for him, or friends/acquaintances/strangers who'd dropped me comments and messages, or even the little kid who shyly offered her sweet to me. 

I am so blessed to able to seek strength in people I don't even know.

God bless all of you, beautiful people.

So the night out was indeed amazing. I don't have to specifically said what we did, be it drinking, partying or simply chilling and doing nothing. I had the best night after so so long.

Hold still right before we crash 
Cause we both know how this ends 
Our clock ticks till it breaks your glass 
And I drown in you again 

Cause you are the piece of me  I wish I didn't need 
Chasing relentlessly

Still fight and I don't know why 

If our love is tragedy why are you my remedy 
If our love's insanity why are you my clarity 

By the way, I felt like a star yesterday.

Shine so bright for the first time.

CLICHE CAN'T BE TRUE

My favourite scenes from the movie.

So relatable. So so relatable.

**************

**************

**************

Yes, apparently you can.

You can try, that's what they say.

So try.

HAPPENS

What do you do when you know that you're being lied to, yet you still have to put up with it.

What do you do when you are not a priority, yet you still have to put up with it.

I'm already slipping away and you don't even know yet,

SORRY

Hi guys, I've just realized that my blogger comment box has been replaced with Nuffnangx Conversation. So I haven't been receiving any email notifications.

That's because I haven't been using the email I sign up Nuffnang with since agesssssssss + I lost the password. So sorry to those who had to wait for a month for my reply. Sorry!!!

Yes, I know right. Elynalove_05 hahahaha. 

Pardon me, it's my primary school email. 

YOUNG JOY

 Hey guys, sorry for the past emo-nemo entries.

I am feeling pretty alright now. I've been working at a kindergarten as art teacher. It's been only two sessions but I am already in love with these lil' monsters ;-) hehehe. How easy to steal my heart. 

 

You little sunshine gonna grow to be a darn handsome boy.

Being around the kiddos instantly made me feel so much better. They didn't care how I look or how I carry myself whether with makeup or not, I just have to be myself and be comfortable with them. They say the sweetest and most sincere things ever.

"Teacher so pretty"

Honestly, I wasn't expecting any. I haven't been well and definitely not looking at my best either. Self esteem definitely plunged lately. Having to hear such thing not only elevate my paranoia but also made me feel golden for a bit. Though in reality, I know that statement won't chase my dark circles, eyebags, pimples or whatsoever away haha.


Girl: Teacher, I've a new auntie (maid) at home! I like her to carry me. I don't like my mommy to carry me!

Me: *worried* Why, dear!

Girl: I don't want mommy to waste strength *skips away*

She left me dumbfounded. If her mom were to know this, I bet she'd be so moved. The poor mom probably still thinks that her dearest daughter fancy the maid more than her, which is not the case. Children, they intrigue me so much. I still don't mind having 6 in future, though I know it's gonna be pure madness hahahaha.

DAMN, SPOT ON

THE DIFFERENCE

Nico Lang on the differences between the one who wants to be with you and the one doesn't.

I won't write how I feel on this entry today.

You go on and think for yourself as well.

PLEASE

I can't.

AFTERMATH OF HONEYMOON PERIOD

This whole thing proves to be madly exhausting because I no longer understand how we are supposed to be right now. The fact I had to suppress what I feel and not express how I truly feel, is a problem. To play mindgame after we've been through so much just to make you feel anxious, is a problem. To live my life to show how you can possibly lose me, is a problem. Everything is a problem and even how you don't seem to be hasty in solving this, is a problem as well.

But can I just say, we are definitely not a problem?

So let's fix ourselves and roll like how we used to, baby.

NOT RIGHT

I can't speak my mind. I can't long for your reply.

PROCEED

Ready to get up and go.

DAY 2 of 8 months.

DEPARTURE

Above extracted from Heidi Liu's article, edited to suit my current thoughts.

I don't know how, but she managed to sum up whatever I've been saying my entire life in her article. I gasped when I read because there is someone who actually thinks like me. So much like me. And to think, I thought I was weird to think that way. I'm really grateful she managed to articulate herself so well that now, I know what to say when I want to convey this 'belief' of mine.

Things haven't been well, but that's life. How do you know what is fitted and suited for you? What is right for you? What if something that is politically right doesn't match what your heart feels? Do you trust gut feelings? So many questions to find out and answer as we grow up to be more independent and mature.

Since I have nothing much to do, I have been watching movies, trying to get inspired. Was hoping for something that could provoke my mind to think deeper. Movies, they might have exaggerated some things, but to a certain extent, I believe they're real.

In the movie, Another Year, why are some people so lucky to have found each other and some haven't? Is it merely comprises or is there really a match? Do we make it happen or it should happen naturally? You may not get what I'm trying to say but watch the movie when you've the time.

This couple is beyond perfection. They're aging and they do things together. Everything. They talk about their day, they share, they are just what I want to do if I'm ever that blessed. They've been married for years, this is love. Even though it's just movie, I choose to naively believe the existence of such couple, like how fairytales might be too.

Well, my grandfather and grandmother were like that. That's why I think it is possible for guys to be an absolute angel because thats what I grow up to know, watching how my grandfather doted on my grandma.

I was told by someone that a guy will only truly be man when he's 31. Is that so? I really hope not because that's a hella of time.


People change, and often like it or not, they become the person they said they will never be.





Sorry if this entry doesn't make sense. My thoughts are as disorientated as this post is.

PHUKET DAY 3 & 4

Hiiiiiiiiiiii, I'm back for the LAST Phuket entry!!!

Honestly I am not sure how should I start the last entry. So, I thought of doing some Q&A before the photos, then I realized I don't have many questions, to be exact only 2!!!!!!!!! So... if you have any, just bring them on! Comment below or formspring me yeah? If you're personal friend, just beep me la k haha.

See how pathetic the 2 questions look, but whatever. I'm really out of ideas on how to make this entry look interesting so pardon me. I always start with something, so if I don't for this entry, I will feel weird. At least I try, gimme some credit for that yeah hahaha. 

On day 3, we travelled from Kata Beach to Surin Beach to move to a new hotel. Because Patong was along the way, we stopped over for the facial massage in the open-concept beauty parlor we saw in Day 1! Jerm could not get over it and my friend highly recommended it, so we went ahead to try. It was not bad... but not like wow oh wow. The reason why I chose to stay at two different places instead of staying put in one because I wanna see how the beach and experience might be different yknow.

I drew a map below to show you guys where we stayed (i'm quite free these days so yeah).

Before that, I need to mention a tragedy happened when we were at Patong after our facial. 

I LOST MY PHONE. MY iPhone 5!!!!!! I know I know I'm such a klutz.

Guess when did I realize that? ... when we had already reached our Surin hotel! In the room!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How blur was I?! I panicked. And thought I might have left it in the cab. So I tried recalling the cab company number and asked the receptionist to maybe google for the number and call. Eventually when I recalled the number (good memory i know), the cab company said they couldn't help since I didn't have the cab plate number. Helllllloooooo be sensitive that I can't read thai!!!!

That's how the plates look like. Even if I remembered the numbers, what about the words before the numbers? They're equally important right? But it's also my fault. Who would think I'd lose my phone? And if so, why would I bother remembering the plate numbers right? 

Since the receptionist seemed like he couldn't help much, on impulse I took a cab back to Patong to hunt that cab driver down. I recognized his tattoo, so I knew what I was going in for. Got off the cab hastily, rushed over to the bunch of taxi drivers and asked them if they knew a guy with such tattoo. Praise the Lord that his tattoo was so obvious and recognizable, after 10minutes of explanation with sign language, weird awkward hand gestures, they knew who I was talking about and

I GOT MY PHONE BACKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!

Phew. That was close, man.

Losing phone overseas is definitely one of the scariest experiences ever.

After getting my phone back, we had to travel all the way back to Surin.

Mind you, it's not like it's 15 minutes or what. It's almost an hour with the first tattooed driver.

Thank goodness the second driver was really fast, we could get back to Surin within 35-40minutes.

 Surin was simply breathtaking. 

The sand was finer, smoother and whiter than Kata's.

Because I insisted, Jerm accompanied me for a massage. Thai massage is a must try.

This massage 'parlor', no wait, I wouldn't call it parlor cause there were no walls and I had to take my bra off. A little embarrassing and awkward. I knew Jerm was worried for me. I could feel him watching me from the side and how he looked around to see if there were guys around. #feelsosafe

 Mega love this picture of this happy boy

We then continued to rest in the hotel because the heat was quite unbearable and we were quite exhausted from the whole hunt-the-cab-driver-down chase. The hotel room was really nice. I took pictures using my lomo cam, but they were all blank shots! I had no idea why till today. I asked Shammini what could it be, from all the reasons she deduced, I still don't it make sense. Weird.

Forced Jerm to get off the comfy bed to catch sunset with me.

I was so happy. You have no idea. 

When I looked back at these pictures, I told Jerm I felt very safe and happy seeing him holding my hand like that. I like the feeling of being safe. I think it's one of the most important feelings one can have in a relationship beside all the love, trust, blabla.

Because of my height and being one of the older kids in the family and school, I always assume the role of a protective friend/older sister. Well, I can be childish and fun but I like people to feel safe around me. I do things to make people feel safe they might notice they might not, it's ok.
With Jerm, like this, I like that I can put my guard down and have him protect me instead :')

And then, we splurged on dinner since it's last night. We ordered a lobster which was quite huge and two crabs. The bill was only about $100 or $100plus, so about $50 each! It's freaking cheap!!!!!!!!!

NEXT MORNING: DAY 4 (LAST DAY).

BOOHOO.

Convinced Jerm to hit the beach instead of lazing in the room or pool area.

The water was really clear. May not be as clear as Maldives, still I was content.

Got changed and ready to leave!

That's all guys.

That's my 4-Day Phuket Trip!

We will miss you, Phuket!

And will be back!!!!!

Till then.