Till today, I don't understand how a human's (positive or negative) mental state can be casually determined by how he/she view a glass of water: half-full or half-empty? If so, can we then casually decide on a reference (that possibly makes no sense/have no relation) to derive a conclusion to this question: is vulnerability a sign of weakness or an indication to being alive?
Cause, I think being vulnerable at the right time is so sexy yet unattractive at the same time.
Y'know, it's like how you feel good to be so bare to someone; crying your heart out, letting go of all your emotions yet, you know it's unappealing to be emotionally slutty. I've been thinking about so many oxymoronic things in life. Like how they say everyone deserves a second chance, and then there's this saying about leopard will never change its spots. Frustrating, isn't it? To me, it kinda is.
Anyway, whatever mentioned above is not even close to whatever I'm tryna say. I'm just gonna jump into them cause it's so hard trying to create bridges between the almost non-related topics.
1. I have feelings, like any other normal human. Just that, I think I have abundance of them, like mountains of them. Which is why, I don't fancy knowing a lot of people or allowing them into my realm. I've always thought the more I know, the more I've to worry about and for. If feelings were measurable and represented in unit..... let's say: felz, an average man feels 50 felz when he experiences a particular speck of emotion, where as I would see myself potentially feel... about 90 felz?? What I am trying to say is that like how some people are sensitive towards scent and smell, I am self-diagnosed as emotionally-sensitive. Symptom? I find myself relate to people too quickly and easily, which is why it is bad to meet more people. I get tangled up so fast, I wouldn't even realize the mess that lies ahead.
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Recently, I have so much running in my head. I don't even know why. I am not sad or anything, in fact, I've been rather chirpy but these thoughts just keep coming. I am trying to keep this entry as organized as possible but I can't. So, I am just gonna dump it all here and I won't be sorry for that. If you can make sense out of all these.... you're truly amazing. Then again, I doubt anyone would read this far anyway haha.
Well, I am not sure if the group of people I intend to address this entry to, will ever see this but here is what's bothering me.
Firstly, I would like to apologize for those I've wiped off in my life ever since the breakup. Here's the unpleasing truth, I fear that you guys might bring about unnecessary information I don't need to know about Jeremy. I do not wish to see your pictures with him in a club or anywhere else. I do not wish to see you tweeting to him or even retweeting. I do not wish to know anything, for it is definitely not easy to forget someone who once meant so much, and now a mere stranger. I especially hate it, mark the word hate, when I'm club and mutual friends bump into me and they'd go, "Hey, where's Jeremy?" How the dafuck am I supposed to know? Do I look like a walking Jeremy-GPS to you? So, in order to guard my heart and not get thrown off guard by things I shouldn't know, I decided to delete and block many. I am truly sorry. It's not that I don't want you guys as friends. I honestly just don't see how we're gonna connect when the connecting bridge is now gone.
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Some time back this week, I had a nice late night conversation with a dear friend and I realized so much about things I should have thought of earlier, but was only provoked through his recent bitter experience.
1. Why does it tick someone off when they see their ex with someone new?
Well, this is a pretty commonsensical question right? But I've honestly never thought of this. I've never imagined what would it truly feel like till I had to put myself in my friend's ex gf's shoe to think about it. It's not as superficial as jealousy. It's not as superficial as 'daaaang, he moved on faster'. It beyond those unseen brewing emotions that's meant to be buried at the very bottom of one's heart. It's natural for one to be mad for he/she's crushed that the idea of relationship is so replaceable. Take note of what I've just said, idea of relationship. I wasn't referring to the comparison of two girls. Oh the new girlfriend is much better or worse blabla. That, that right there is just a superficial jealousy. What's deeper is that, the one could not come to terms with the fact that one's relationship is so easily bought over by another. For all the things, one once said and promised, for all the love one once professed, it seemed like it meant nothing at all since it's so easy to find someone new to say them all to. Sometimes, because we are afraid, we want to prove and show people that we are doing well after a breakup, we become a dating-mania and treat the whole thing like a competition. Who's seeing more people? Who clubs more? Who's with a hotter new person? Who has a better singlehood life? Yknow what....It's all bullshit. The real closure only happens when both realize it's okay to be friends again after all that.
2. Fuck this shit, just do what makes you happy.
Because my friend was so upset with whatever that happened, the only thing to say to cheer him up at that moment was "Yknow what? Fuck it, just do what makes you happy," and the weirdest part to this advice is that I knew what I meant by "whatever that make you happy". It happens to be all "bad" things one shouldn't be doing. Though I don't understand how some things that are so wrong can make us feel better altogether instantly, I don't see myself in any position to stop someone from achieving that temporary happiness. I am just mad at how these wrong things have the ability to make us feel better and that we humans need these wrong things to reaffirm ourselves anyway.
This entry made a lot of sense to me, and is frighteningly relate able. You always have a way of spilling words I can't get out of my chest, and form them into sentences, paragraphs. -sighs-
ReplyDeleteYou're officially regarded as an awesome species in Irina's world for she never thought anyone would read the entry and you finished it. Way too awesome.
DeleteI agree with your friend, you have a way of stringing all the right words together and make it sound cohesive, relevant and relate-able. And yeah, life, especially so with love, is full of oxymorons. Like "let it go, if its meant to be yours, it will come back." I'm like then again, if its mine, it shouldn't ever leave? If it can leave once, it can always leave a second time, and/or a third.
DeleteI also think alot la, super frustrating, sometimes wish my mind was like a glass bottle and I really wanna put a stopper on it to stop all the thoughts from overflowing out.
The weird thing is, sometimes we don't really understand a concept until an experience in life forces us to. Like I used to always wonder why a friend of mine would still stick to a scumbag douche when she obviously deserves better. I always thought to myself, "if I were her, I'd be walking out the door in a split second and never turn back." But look who is in a stable relationship now? Her. And her boy, has somewhat mellowed and changed for the better. So what does this teach me? Hold on? But hold on for how long? How yknow if it's worth it? THEN AGAIN, like what you say, sometimes leopard never changes it's spots, things can always go downhill anytime..
Ah fuck this, now I don't know whether I'm out of point LOL.
I was reading it on the train and guuurrlllllll you tickled me!!
Delete"If its mine, it shouldn't ever leave? If it can leave once, it can always leave a second time, and/or a third." Jolene, you shouldn't label this as 'it' cause I cannot stop visualizing you talking about a cat that runs away from you over and over again hahahahha. It fits what you were saying right? But yeah I get what you mean :-)
All that you said made so much sense to me. Another that puzzles me is "what's yours will be yours". If so, then why are we taught to fight for what we want in our life? Which is which? Whoever that came up with all these will have to sit their ass down and have a friendly meeting to sort this shit out for us hahaha. Life is as confusing as it is already and this "advices/pointers' are supposed to help. But then again, I guess different individuals believe in different things. Otherwise we'd all be so similar, undifferentiated and boring. Oh well, even pros and cons is oxymoronic.
As much as I dislike the fact that my mind never stops provoking me, I'm glad that I am able to critically think out of my comfort zone. And from whatever you've written, I can safely safe you're hella unique too. This probably sets us apart from the rest. If this is actually deemed as a valuable skill in work force, it's definitely going into my resume man!!! Hahahaha. But, too bad not. "Skill: Ability to critically think about.... life" In other words: D A Y D R E A M toomuch!!!!
"Why a friend of mine would still stick to a scumbag douche when she obviously deserves better" If you were my close friend way earlier on and met Jerm, you would probably say the same to me. Some of my friends rated him 2/10 hahaha. I guess sometimes we just can't see what they see and hence, nobody saw what I saw in Jerm. Else, we would all end up falling for the same person right? Yeah, I've friends who had super super super bad start and they were crying-fighting everyday and I kept asking her to let it go, and now as much as I like to see her happy, deep down, I'm green with envy (urgh).
There was this guy who told me something I cannot forget till today, "If a girl can't withstand all that shit during my pre-maturing phase, she doesn't deserve to reap when I'm ripe." That sentence is something I still can't decide if it's right or wrong cause sometimes when I thought of it, I'd be like, "Oh my god that's actually quite true" and some other time, I just feel mindfucked.
I'm torn as well, as to how long to hold on to a damaged relationship. How much can one salvage when it's already bad? I believe not everything is salvageable, hospital can prove that. AND,... I've learnt if he's right, there shouldn't be so much struggle in the first place. Though some say, if you go through hardship, you'd appreciate each other more. But yknow what? This is gonna your own love story, so don't let other stories dictate yours. To me, it should feel most easy and natural. And yes, I've always believed if a person can commit a mistake so grave, chances are it'll happen again. Verified by friends with experience hahaha.
Nah nah babe, you hit the bull's eye. Not even a single bit outta point. I understood you perfectly fine :-)
HAHA phew lucky you understand :D
DeleteAnd WTH THE CAT THING LOLOLOL! Trust you to think of that example!
And if thinking the way we think was a skill, our job would be to teach philosophy, and I think half the time, we would not be debating with our class, but debating with ourselves, like 自问自答, yknow. HAHA.
This is why I can relate so much to what you type! Its uncanny that our ex'es names are the same, their character/personality also quite similar, and our close friends' responses also the same!! My BFF has my ex's name stored in her phone as LOLOLOL when he and I were still dating.
I guess this is life uh, just have to trial and error throughout. So tiring haishhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Jiayou Irina! We can do this! :D