DON'T JUDGE ME BECAUSE I'M ONLY HUMAN

Every couple had their special song and this was ours

I intentionally include this song in my latest playlist (below) simply because I genuinely think it's a good song, not because of the significance it holds (I wish this is true). I sincerely wish to regard it as an ordinary song, with no memories attached. Just a awhile ago, I was listening to the entire playlist and I heard it. I shouldn't have. Really. Because, I wasn't expecting this whirlpool of emotions to slap me and I am very overwhelmed right now. 

Everyone gotta love someone/ But I just wanna love you dear

Everybody gotta feel something/ I just wanna be with you my dear

It was his birthday few days back. I never thought it'd be so tough to get by August. It sucks that I'm constantly thinking about what we were just doing last year. I was so busy planning for his birthday the entire month of July. I feel so uneasy right now, doing almost nothing (for him). Indeed, it's a matter of choice to choose what to feel. I know it is but I choose to mope over all this crap. I choose to play this song over and over again to wallow in this sadness. I choose to think about it because I want to. In life, you can't relive such moment and experience so why not just face them once and for all so that maybe next year, I will breeze through. 

I thought I could go by the rest of the week acting like it's just any other week but no. I can't. I'm having the hardest time admitting because sometimes, being in denial helps, but truly it doesn't. I am being very transparent and vulnerable right here and right now. If you wanna judge me for being such a huge baby, go ahead but shame on you for being an immature twat. 

I know it's hard I know it's hard/ I know it's hard to be in this position

If they stop loving I won't stop loving you/ 

If they stop needing you I will still need you my dear

Deciding if I should drop him a text on his birthday was by far, the hardest of all in this process, after all we didn't speak ever since. There were so much to think about: 

1. What is the appropriate length for such text?

2. What kind of content is deemed acceptable for a birthday wish from ex?

3. Should I be friendly? Will I come across as too friendly??

4. Should I be nonchalant instead? If so, why should I care to wish in the first place?

5. What time should I send the text? A right time is necessary for I'm afraid to come off as too eager

It's a fucking headache. I was having such a hard time, really. The list went on and on, it definitely surpassed five. In the end, I've got my supportive friends to get me through by sending in a collective text. A collective text is the best solution in this case as it will naturally bring down the level of awkwardness and also help to cushion the fear of rejection. I am a wuss. 

I honestly appreciate myself for being so upfront with all this feelings that I'm going through, instead of just pretending that I'm okay (Good job, Irina) I've figured, by allowing myself to feel, I'd heal faster. And I know I'd wake up tomorrow feeling much stronger and empowered, like... I'm ready bring on the next hurdle man!!! That's just my way of coping/healing/whatever you wanna call this.

You gotta believe me/ When I say/ When I say the word 'forever'

And whatever comes your way/ Oh we'll still be here together

I know it's hard I know it's hard

But I understand you/ Just take my hand

And, yes I know you are in a shithole now. You can't imagine what went through my mind when I got to know. As much as I wanna be an evil ex, break into an evil laughter and hiss, serve you right, I can't. I can't bring myself to do that. You may have become someone I no longer understand/know, still I'll never forget the one I fell in love with; the one who taught me to love kimchi, the one who's afraid of horror movie and bugs, the one whose eyes can't close completely when asleep, the one who's so so pampered. Despite all that you put me through, I really wish I could help you this time round. I've asked around. You've no idea what I did to try. I wish to be there for you, I wish to care. I wish to be the friend you can count on because I know what it's like to have trust issues. Then again, above all that, you need to man up; learn to pick yourself up after a great fall. That's how you'd become the man you've envisioned yourself to be. 

And yesterday, I met a friend of yours who'd successfully messed up my mind. You and your mind games; now I know where you got them from. Whatever he said, lingers clearly in head. As much as I want to convince myself whatever he said was definitely a lie which meant to screw with my head, I can't. Because deep down, I wish it's true.

This is probably PMS. I'm pretty certain.

I'll be fine again tomorrow.

Edited at 11:58PM
For those who're worried, I'm feeling almost alright now.
I guess I just needed to vent/rant. Yes, this must be PMS.